How to Deal With Child-rearing Adversity

Child-rearing is but one of the difficult tasks which families in our society and culture deal with on a daily basis.
However, there are certain truths and beliefs adhered to by successful families.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Common Sense

1. Child-rearing is but one of the difficult tasks which families in our society and culture deal with on a daily basis. And, all too often, we observe miss-behaving children in public places that cause us to shake our heads.
   
   However, there are certain truths and beliefs adhered to by successful families. These families have decided early on how they are going to deal with life’s challenges in child-rearing. And their examples can be a source of encouragement to all parents.
   
   The first challenge comes for parents who are in full-time, career positions outside of the home: How to administer discipline and teach respect for others.
   
   How do parents set boundaries for behavior that their children will adhere to a majority of the time?
   
   A couple has agreed to allow us to ask questions about their family in order to help others. The family’s name is Smith (we’ve changed the names at their request). The husband and father is Curt and the wife and mother is Karen. They have three children ages 4, 6, and 9. Curt and Karen have full time career positions which keep them from being with their children as much as they would like. However, they both like their careers and choose to balance them with their family life.

2. The first thing you must do is to confront your view of your family. Your children should be viewed as your number one priority. Your careers are secondary to the importance of raising your children. Both parents must be in agreement on this point. The Smith’s state:
   
   “The children need to know that they are the priority of Mom & Dad’s life. They need to learn that while Mom & Dad work to support the family; it is because of the family that they work. Not the converse which is: they work because it is their priority and the family molds around their career. The kids do not need to feel in competition with Mom or Dad’s work.”

3. •Question One: With that as a basis, here is our first question: How do you keep your children respectful of you and other adults?
   
   “Once the children have that base foundation of an understanding, it helps level set expectations: Mom & Dad love us. They work to support us and work to give us a good life. They teach us how to live respectful, accountable, and content lives. They have the same expectations for themselves as they do us.”
   
   What to do: When in conversations with other adults where your children are participants or spectators (in the same room within listening range), treat the adults with respect, and make your dialog open and non-defensive. If you must address an issue with another adult in the presence of children, direct your words at actions, not people.
   
   What not to do: Avoid criticizing or making fun of others in the presence of your children. If you are forced into a confrontation, take it away from children. If your children ask what happened, give them a concise answer with little details of the actual exchange. All they need to know is that a problem was addressed and that a solution was reached (hopefully without a physical altercation).

4. •Question Two: How do you keep your children disciplined so that they don’t talk back or refuse to obey when you ask them to do something?
   
   “Respect is taught at a very early age. Children need to have behavior modeled. In your own interactions with your children, spouse, neighbors, work associates, etc, you will teach the children your expectations of behavior for yourself and them. By holding yourself accountable to those expectations it will become an unspoken expectation of your children. It is through your self respect, respect for your children, manners, and your own accountability that your children will very quickly learn the rules of engagement.”
   
   What to do: Let your children know that their action is unacceptable. You expect them to do what you ask and you will not accept anything less from them or there will be consequences. Follow through if they continue. Make the discipline fit the offense. Take away things that they like.
   
   What not to do: Do not raise your voice or yell. Getting into an argument will not solve the issue. Parents who learn to be firm but quiet in their responses gain the upper hand in a confrontation. If a child sees that yelling or demanding draws the same response from the parent, they will sense that you have lost control and will use that to their advantage.

5. •Question Three: Is it important to start young with children and discipline?
   
   “Kids want boundaries and limitations. Their young minds are immature and undeveloped to make all their own decisions. Discipline needs to be kept simple with good, strong boundaries so that their decision-making privileges evolve as their maturity grows. We do not want to overload their thought processes which can begin to confuse and frustrate them. Be consistent. Balance the boundaries with the maturity age. Model the behavior that you want from your children. Show respect to your children and they will respect you.”
   
   What to do: Always follow through on your statements to your child about discipline. If you tell them that you are going to do something because of what they did then do it.
   
   What not to do: Ignore or brush off their behavior.

6. •Question Four: Where do you draw your strength when you get home after a long hard day at work only to have to perform daily tasks that cannot wait?
   
   “I view my home life as my ‘real life’. My work is what I do so that I can come home to them and do what I love most- taking care of them. I love to get home and be with my kids. They know it and it makes them feel secure. I tell them at night that I am so happy to see them. If I am tired, I tell them I am tired but I am glad to be home. Then I ask for their help. My best experiences have taught me to parent in love with the kids; if they feel loved; they will respond.”
   
   What to do: Tell your children that you love them often. Balance disciplinary times with quiet one on one times of doing fun things together that they want to do. And, find fun family things to do that you all can enjoy. Yes, they will remember the discipline, but they will cherish more, the times you spent with them.

7. Don’t fret if you think that your family is in too much trouble for these tips to work. You can start anywhere and at any time to create trust and security in your family relationships. This might mean sitting down with them and telling them that you have been wrong in your dealing with disciplinary actions and that things are changing. Give them a hug to let them know that you are sincere. Then, get to work and get a handle on behavior issues in your home.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember that family relationships can be complex and a source of frustration. You should seek the advice and counsel of a qualified, licensed professional who can help you with the family issues confronting you on a daily basis.

[debbiedragon]

on 9/9/2008 Excellent advice.