How to Date a Prisoner: Tips on How to Protect Yourself During a Jail House Romance

You wait by the phone and rush to the mailbox everyday hoping your new prison pen pal will contact you, hoping he has sent you another loving letter with beautiful heart drawings all over the envelope.

Men are not a lost cause just because they are in prison; prisoners, especially, need love. But there are things you should be aware of to protect yourself and your heart when engaging in a jail house romance.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. Research your prison friend. Don't take his/her word, find out what they are there for and research any other offenses they have been convicted of. Read trial records, try to understand the circumstances surrounding their crime. Is this a person that you want to deal with?

2. Remember that this is a prisoner that you're dealing with. Yes, there are those who have been wrongfully convicted, but most of them are there for a reason. The personality makeup of a prisoner is usually one who is cunning, manipulative, desperate, and undeterred. They feed off of weakness. And they will often feed off of yours.
   
   If they can detect that you are a bleeding heart, a hopeless romantic who has a great desire to take care of others, then they will tell you what you need to hear in order to take advantage of that. Before you know it you will be sending them money and gifts, accepting too many collect calls, or just flat out being taken advantage of financially.
   
   Don't let your new prison love know you have excess funds. Poor mouth them. They've gone this far without your financial help, and there is no reason why they can't continue.

3. Be weary of feeling special. A prisoner is in a precarious position, he/she is often alone and desperate for real companionship. Their is no one that he/she will turn down. So they may be sending sweet, romantic letters to you, but they are also sending those same letters to someone else. They have to spread their eggs into more than one basket or risk the only object of their affection becoming disinterested in them. Believe it or not there are many people interested in pen-paling prisoners, and just like you came into their lives, so will someone else.
   
   Don't be swept away by what they say. Always keep in mind that you may be one of many.

4. Never send sexy pictures. That is a true mistake as pictures are often passed around the prison either through theft or blatant disregard for you and your feelings (remember disregard is what got many of them into prison in the first place). Sexy photos can even be used as bargaining tools for food or other items.
   
   Keep your sexy photos to yourself, and never send photos of you (with say a friend) to your pen-pal. You will start getting requests for your friend from friends of your prison love, so its best not to put your friend in that position.

5. Don't talk sexy over the phone or in writing. Remember every phone conversation and letter is surveyed by the guards and any hanky-panky can become great entertainment for them.

6. Don't give out too much personal information. It's bad enough that they know where you live in order to send you letters (it's really best to avoid that by getting a PO Box), but keep other information to yourself like your relative's whereabouts, where your children go to school, or where you work. You may find yourself needing to separate yourself from what you've come to find out a is a crazed maniac, moving yourself is easier then moving everyone you know.

7. Remember that prisoners are desperate. For many, the day will come when they will be released and many simply have no where to go. You, with your own house or apartment, seem like a great alternative to half-way houses or the street. They will try their best to align their future with yours so that they can have a place to stay upon their release. Be firm and let them know that living with you is not an option. It is best not to continue any type of relationship until it appears that they can get on their own two feet.
   
   But remember, they are manipulative, an overnight visit turns into another overnight visit and before you know it they are living with you, unofficially.
   
   Stop overnight visits, at least don't allow more than one a week. And insists that they pay for some things, such as a meal. The purpose is not to defeat their often small financial resources, it is to find out if they can contribute financially, as well as emotionally. Finances are the number one reason for divorce, so it is important.

8. Control your sympathies. You will feel sorry for them and they will use that sympathy to their advantage. Hardline them and let them know that sympathy cannot be used against you.
   
   It's okay to listen to them, be a shoulder to cry on, but to really help them you must strengthen them and not allow them to feel sorry for themselves. It is for their own good since the world will offer no sympathy toward their situation.

9. Leave your children out of it. Never bring your children for prison visits, send photos of them, or give out too much personal information about them. This is the rule of thumb for any stranger, and your new prisoner friend is a stranger.

10. Don't be desperate for love. If you are contacting or considering contacting a prisoner out of loneliness, don't. People can smell desperateness and desperate people get taken advantage of.

Tips & Warnings

• Know who you are dealing with. Research their background, read through trial logs, understand what type of criminal you're dealing with.

Resources

• Meet An Inmate
• Inmate Connection

[celticeagle]

on 12/6/2008 Good information.

[BerrieT]

on 8/29/2008 Good to know! Fun to read, also.