How to Be A Good Guest At A Family Party

Eighteen years ago, I married into a family of eight children, 19 grandchildren and four great-grandbabies. If there was ever a need to learn good guest etiquette and party behavior, it was then. After all, knowing how to interact with one another at a family gathering can mean the difference between a fun time and a disastrous one. It could also mean the difference between family feuds and family resolutions.

Instructions

1. Always RSVP. Believe it or not, family members like to know who is going to show up and who isn’t. It helps with food preparation, decorating and gift-giving. And it lets the hosts know whether they should wait for the last guest to arrive before everyone can eat, or if dinner can be served on time.

2. Offer your help. Whether it’s shopping for supplies, bringing a food dish or cleaning up afterward, lending a hand is important. It’s easy to relax and forget about manners when you’re around people you’ve known all your life, so even if your help has been politely declined in the past, offer it again anyway. The act of volunteering can prevent bitter feelings later.

3. Clean up after yourself. Nothing gets under another family member’s skin like sloppy, inconsiderate party guests. If you make a mess, clean it up. When you’re done eating, scrape your plate in the trash, rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full, set the plate on the counter. If you drop food on the floor, don’t leave it there. If you spill juice on the carpet, don’t cover it up or pretend it wasn’t you. Ask for carpet cleaner and clean it up.

4. Respect the house rules. Friends and acquaintances can get away with bringing a toy gun for little Jimmy, using curse words around the children or lighting up a cigarette in the house. Family members can’t.

5. Bring a hostess gift. If the gathering is a large one and the hostess has done the majority of the work—including purchasing party supplies and food--show your appreciation by bringing a hostess gift. The gift can be something as simple as your sister’s favorite flowers or your brother’s favorite coffee beans.

6. Notify the hostess of dietary changes. It’s easy to forget that your family doesn’t know every tiny detail of your life, so if you’ve recently been to the doctor and have been put on a special diet, let your hostess know. And don’t be afraid to offer to bring your own dish if you’ve suddenly gone vegetarian and don’t want anything remotely animal-related in your food. The key to not insulting the cook is to be upfront ahead of time.

7. Wait for seconds. If the food is good, it’s tempting to load up. But doing so could cause harsh feelings when hungry family members don’t get a chance to eat or taste the food. It’s important to wait until everyone’s had a chance to eat before you go back for seconds.

8. Remember your manners. When it comes to family, it’s easy to forget them. After all, you’re comfortable enough around these people to share your family secrets--so why shouldn’t you be comfortable enough to unbutton your pants after a heavy meal, chew with your mouth open or forget your "pleases" and "thank yous"? But forgetting your manners can add undue stress and tension. So the next time you’re tempted to reach across someone else’s plate for that bowl of green beans, stop and ask for them instead.

9. Defuse family arguments. If you know a subject is sensitive or has caused arguments in the past, don’t bring it up. And should another family member choose to bring it up, casually change the subject. If changing the subject doesn’t work, call the speaker away from the group and get him involved in another topic, a game of cards or some other activity. There’s no need to discuss why that conversation was off-limits, because doing so could only make things worse.

10. Clear up misunderstandings immediately. No matter how hard you try to say the right thing, there will be times when your words will come out wrong. If you notice a family member acting strangely toward you, take the time to ask, “Have I offended you?” Then, with an open mind, listen for the answer. Clearing up hurts before they escalate can make the rest of the night more enjoyable and less tense.

11. Limit the drinking. Drinking enough to impair your judgment could cause you to say or do things you’ll later regret—including insulting or physically hurting another family member. It’s best to limit your alcohol consumption to one or two drinks--definitely nothing more than what would normally make you feel tipsy.

12. Don’t ignore family members. Make sure you take the time to talk to everyone who has showed up to the family gathering—even if it’s only for five minutes. Nothing makes a family member feel worse than leaving the party thinking you’re mad at him.

Tips & Warnings

• If you haven’t been to the last two family gatherings, make it to the third one. Nothing causes strife like an absentee member of the family—especially if that person has no problems attending her spouse’s family gatherings.

• Say "Thank you" to everyone who lent a hand, and give out compliments. It's nice to hear them from time to time, and far more special coming from a family member than a stranger.

• Don’t bring friends unless you get the O.K. from the homeowner first.

• Don’t bring illegal substances to the party.

Resources

• Etiquette School
• The Manners Club
• Rude Busters
• Party Central
• Party Ideas