How to Leave a Violent Relationship

For those who are contemplating leaving a violent relationship, there are many factors to consider. The priority must be emotional and physical safety of you and your children. Job security or finding a job is a second priority. Your ability to support yourself needs to be protected. Regardless of the things you must consider, it's important that you get out. Getting out now can save your life.

Things You'll Need

• Safety plan
• Medication and/or prescriptions
• Transportation
• Birth certificate
• Drivers license
• Child custody paperwork
• Car titles or registration
• Social security cards

Instructions

1. Contact your local domestic violence organization. Do this if it is safe for you to do so. The organization is staffed by trained advocates who understand the laws in your state, can offer vast resources and can help you complete a safety plan for you and your children. You'll receive help without judgment. This is true if you call once or repeatedly.

2. Develop a safety plan if you are a victim of domestic violence. You can do this without even going to a local domestic violence shelter or crisis intervention center. Going to a center is the best idea. If not, find one trustworthy person--and only one. Confide in him and enlist his help in your plan.

3. Make a mental list of your support system. Add that to your safety plan. Know who you can go to for help. Develop your personal support system. This is a time when you'll see your true friends step up to the plate. Always remember those who are there for you in your time of crisis.

4. Gather copies of all of your legal documents. Mail them to a safe place if you have one in advance as part of the plan. Otherwise, ask your trusted person to hold them for you. It's important that you protect your paperwork in advance.

5. Save money if it is safe for you to do so. Put it in a secret account if possible. Otherwise, give it to your trusted person for safe keeping, making sure it is accessible to you if you plan on leaving town. Having money will help you as you are traveling or transitioning.

6. Gather all possible medications and a first aid kit. This is especially important if you have an illness.

7. Store extra clothing at your trusted person's location so that you do not have to worry about packing if you have to leave suddenly. If the abuser is present every time you leave the house, layer clothes. Leave the extras in your safe place before returning home. Another alternative is to have your safe person gather clothing from free or cheap sources (like yard sales) so that you don't have to risk getting caught.

8. Prepare for what comes after leaving. Know your options and your resources. Leaving does not necessarily mean safety. If a restraining order is a good option for you, get a restraining order. A local victim advocate or victim assistant officer can help on this. If you have a restraining order that orders the abuser to stay away from the children, let the school and daycare center know. If the abuser calls or comes to your home, do not let him in. Call the police immediately.

9. Work with the local domestic violence center. They have classes and counseling. The center will provide an abundance of resources that can help you, including counseling and support groups with other victims of domestic violence.

10. Ask a trusted friend or family member to go with you for support if you have to go to court or a social service office. These can be scary places to go, especially for those who have never encountered them. Having just one person there with you can make all the difference.

11. Speak up at work. Many employers today are more aware of domestic violence and its impact on family, community and work. Be as honest as possible. Ask if you can have a flexible schedule for a stated period of time. Let the employer know what you are willing to do in exchange for the help. Although help will likely be given without such bargaining, the employer will appreciate that you understand the need for a give and take in the work place.

Tips & Warnings

• Sometimes victims just run when possible. If you don't have a plan or can't make one, don't let that stop you.

• Domestic violence is against the law in every state!

• Call 911 immediately if you feel you are in danger by an abuser.

• Take threats of batterers seriously. Lethality assessments show that the most dangerous batterers are those who have threatened suicide or homicide.

• Never tell a batterer where a victim of domestic violence has gone. Her life and the life of her children could literally be in danger.

• Never try to intervene in a situation of domestic violence! It is very dangerous.

• If a batterer comes to your home, threatens you or tries to come in to your home, call 911 immediately.

Resources

• National Coaltion Against Domestic Violence