How to Start a Political Party in the United States

Let's say you believe in every American’s right to smoke dope and drink super-carbonated formulas and eat trans fat. You believe taxes on the super rich should be tripled and that the money should all go to support the world’s biggest largest collection of government employees. Poor people should be outlawed, and we should open the borders to all comers. You believe all of these things, bur in the process, you are unable to slot yourself into any one of America’s 54 registered political parties, let alone the big two. What should you do about it? That’s simple. Start your very own political party.

Instructions

1. Contact the state election commission in every state in which you wish to register your political party. Each state has different guidelines for how to go about starting a political party, but overall they're pretty similar. Basically, the devil is in the details. Some states, for example, might expect you to secure a certain number of signatures per precinct, while others are less discerning and will allow all state residents to qualify equally regardless of precinct lines.

2. Convince one percent of last election's voters to complete an "affidavit of registration.” This is a document filled out by individual voters with the name of the prospective party. This is about heavy canvassing, except that you have about three seconds to hook people with the idea for your new political party.

3. Even if you have a tough time convincing people to join your merry little band of politicos, you can continue trying while fulfilling one of the other requirements. If they won’t join the party, you simply have to convince 10 percent of people who voted in the last election that they should have the right to vote on your agenda at the ballot box. Get 10 percent of last election’s electorate to sign a petition adding your party to the ballot, in time for the next election, and you will have fulfilled this requirement for starting your own political party.

4. File your petition and your affidavits with the state election commission in each state according to their submission regulations and voila! You will be the proud party leader of a brand new political party. It’s time to write your platform, find some candidates to run for office and find them secret lovers with whom to have completely deniable love children.