How to Listen to a Teen's Complaints

When I see teens in my office who are angry and upset, I invite them to talk with me about it. "You seem upset today," I say and then I pause, giving them time to respond. Some kids are quite verbal and begin recounting all the details about what's bothering them. Others nod and struggle to find the words. But regardless of how they begin and regardless of their age, there's a similar then in what they express. Amidst their individual concerns is the viewpoint that my "parents don't listen and they don't understand." Here are five ways to listen to a teen's complaints and concerns.

Things You'll Need

• Patience
• Maturity
• Wisdom

Instructions

1. Look for the Upset.
   When a teen is behaving in ways that you don't understand, it usually means she/he is trying to get your attention, to tell you something. Upset is a signal for you to pay attention, uncover the trouble and find a solution. Ask in a gentle way, "Honey, are you upset about something?"

2. Shh! Be Quiet.
   Listen, listen and listen some more. Listening to your teen's complaints requires maturity because some of the criticism may be about you. Even if the criticism is irrational, you have to hear your teen in order to get to the bottom of what the trouble is. It's much better to keep quiet and listen than to dismiss the complaint. Don't shrug it off. Instead be open to more conversation and say, "I see what you mean" or "Let's find a solution."

3. Stay Centered, Be Mature.
   Do not defend yourself. When parents jump in quickly to defend themselves, explain or fix the problem they end up not only dismissing the concern, but also the hurt and misunderstandings that come with it. Put the emphasis on understanding what your child is trying to express rather than defending your point of view. Say, "Help me understand."

4. Set Standards.
   You can respect your teen for speaking up and at the same time not allow a disrespectful attitude. A teen is entitled to voice complaints, but not with a snotty, nasty attitude. Listen to the complaint, tell them their concerns are valid and remind them that an attitude adjustment is needed. By respectfully responding to your teen's complaints you're paving the way for the instruction that you may need to give and for the limits you may need to set.

5. Welcome Discussion.
   Tell the teen, "Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I'm glad we can talk about this and negotiate." A parent's receptive attitude will set the tone for continued discussion.

Tips & Warnings

• This exercise takes lots of practice before parents and teens get the hang of it.