How to Console Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

Suffering a miscarriage can be a devastating loss for a woman, and it can be difficult to know the right thing to say. If a friend or family member confides in you that she has had a miscarriage, there are a few things you should do and a few things you should not do.

Difficulty: Moderate

Instructions

1. Treat it like a serious loss, no matter how far along the mother was in her pregnancy. It does not matter if she had just learned of her pregnancy or if she was a few days away from delivering as each loss can be extremely painful.

2. Don’t say, “These things happen for a reason.” Even if the mother can pinpoint why the miscarriage happened, there are many times when no one knows why it happened. Offering vague platitudes is not helpful.

3. Don’t say, “God had a plan.” Unless you are absolutely certain of the person’s religious convictions, you should leave God and religion out of your consolations. Even if you are certain, it’s best to leave this kind of talk to religious clergy.

4. Bring over food in containers that need not be returned. It’s likely the mother does not feel like preparing meals for herself or anyone else. If you’re not much of a cook, give restaurant or online grocery shopping gift certificates. These gift certificates are also a good idea if you live out of town and can’t bring over food.

5. Follow her lead. Does she seem like she wants to talk about it? If so, lending a willing ear can have a tremendous effect. You do not need to say much. Don’t be afraid to say that you’re sorry for her loss, and let her do most of the talking. If she seems like she wants her privacy, simply let her know that you would be happy to listen if she should feel like talking.

6. Don’t pass judgment. Grieving people often do and say unpredictable and out-of-character things. Anger, jealousy and other “undesirable” characteristics can be common. Resist the urge to tell her how she should feel.

7. Keep your experiences to yourself if you have suffered a miscarriage as well. If your friend does not know this about you, you can feel free to bring it up if you’re comfortable with telling her. If she wants to know how you dealt with the loss, tell her as much as you wish. However, don’t expect her to react in the same was as you did--people often respond differently to grief. If it doesn’t appear that hearing about your miscarriage will help her at this time, let the topic drop.

8. Don’t underestimate the value of a card or a handwritten note. Just letting the person know you are thinking of her during a difficult time can uplift her spirits.

Tips & Warnings

• Although you should not pass judgment, don’t be afraid to alert others if your friend or family member seems unusually depressed or if she talks about hurting herself or anyone else.

Resources

• More about miscarriages