How to Talk to Someone Who Doesn't Carry the Conversation

Eventually we all meet them--people who are too shy or just don't seem to have anything to say. It may be our cousin William who's just never learned to hold up his end of a conversation at a social occasion, or it may be a corporate officer who's actually looking for someone to promote who can "get along." Their lack of involvement seems to put the responsibility to keep the conversation going squarely on our shoulders. Try a few strategies to draw these folks into the conversation so everyone can enjoy the occasion.

Instructions

1. Examine your own behavior. It may be possible that you're doing all the talking. and your friend can't get a word in. Try finishing a sentence and waiting for a response. If the subject changes when you stop talking, you've talked too long or too much about one subject. If you don't take a breath and always have more to say, people stop trying to converse with you. Next time, become the mouse in the corner. See if that relative you thought was a wallflower begins to bloom.

2. Stand in the other person's shoes. Watch his body language. Perhaps he doesn't know anyone in the room or is just really shy. You can generally tell by watching body language and looking at the room from your friend's point of view. If he feels isolated, he won't join in unless you give him an opening where he'll feel part of the group.

3. Watch your language. People often feel excluded when others are using words or concepts with which they are unfamiliar. Stay away from jargon in social conversations and be sensitive to the vocabulary used by others. You may be using words that are simply too big or obscure. This doesn't mean that you have to "dumb down" your language--that would be patronizing. Meet your friend where she is, not where you see yourself.

4. Ask questions. You don't want your questions to be ones that can be answered with a simple statement. Try open ended questions in order to see how good a conversationalist one can be.

5. Show a movie or do something that takes the focus away from people. Putting the attention on something other than individuals in the group, like photos or a video, creates a freedom for those who might be hesitant to participate. Using an activity that nobody expects puts everyone on an equal footing.

Tips & Warnings

• Before judging anyone else a poor conversant, make sure that you're holding up your end by being a good listener and responding to what's being talked about.

• Unless you're the boss, it's probably not wise to try to "help" people become better conversation participants in a business setting. It may look presumptuous.