How to Ruin Your Marriage (For Women)

Sure, violence, infidelity and drug use can quickly explode a marriage, but how do you spread its ruin out over a number of grueling years?

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Years to flush on unconstructive boredom and near-constant aggravation.
• A stubborn and inexplicable dedication to your annoying habits.

1. Cut all your hair off, stop exercising and watching your diet, and dress like a middle-aged kindergarten teacher. The message you want to relay is that you no longer care about what your husband thinks of you since you take for granted that you've got him on lockdown... while you're at it, go ballistic if you catch him glancing at anyone else.

2. Keep up your hygiene only for the rest of the world. Wearing pants? Don't bother shaving! Who cares what he thinks, right? But don't let a perfect stranger catch you with stubble, whatever you do...

3. Nag incessantly about various household chores and projects you want him to complete, but every time he does, find fault with it. The trick here is to give him no incentive to do anything for/with you so that he will stop trying. Then you can complain loudly to all who will listen about what a lazy unhelpful lump he is.

4. Get really upset but don't tell him why or how he can fix it. After all, if he *really* loved you, he could magically read your mind and anticipate your every mood. Try going for days communicating in one-word answers.

5. Act really put out whenever he watches sports, plays golf, or hangs out with the guys--but expect him to help you pick out curtains, clothes, colors, and every other minute decorating detail that you have a whim to invent a project about.

6. Whenever he wants to go do something fun with you, complain that there is some boring chore or project that needs to be done first. Nagging mother/policewoman is soooooo attractive... while you're at it, get inexplicably upset if he plays video games, even if you wouldn't be hanging out with him anyway.

7. Make his bumbling incompetence a running joke. If there's anything men love, it's to be laughed at as the family doofus.

8. Mention ex-boyfriends and how well they're doing now. Reminisce about your life before you were stuck with him.

9. Constantly remind him of what a loser he was before he met you. Let him know you think of him as another "project," not a person.

10. Take for granted anything sweet, romantic, or helpful he ever does for you.

11. if everything seems to be working fine... start an argument. Something really vague and abstract that's hard to fix. Example: "It's not what you said but the *way* you said it." Waste a lot of time upfront by making him guess why you're mad in the first place. Try to drag the argument late into the night, especially if he has to get up early in the morning. Especially try to start these arguments on holidays, vacations, or when you are trying to do something fun/meaningful/special together.

Tips & Warnings

• Be sure to stop showing whatever appreciation for him and the effort he makes like you did for him while you were courting. That smacks of effort.
• Expect real men to act like the men in romance novels, even though those novels were written for women.
• If you don't actually want a divorce, be sure to make the right promises or otherwise do just enough to keep him from leaving you. That way, you conserve energy to torture him further.
• Constantly aggravating your husband may lead to retaliation on his part.
• It's always possible that instead of ending, your marriage will simply turn into a lifetime of painful resentments and mutual unfulfillment.

[imabrat]

on 10/16/2009 I sense a little narcissism here.....Good points though! I will be writing an article about how to make your ex hates you after divorce...think ehow will publish it?

[ejw9]

on 8/1/2008 HAHAHAHAHA!!! Too funny... and sadly all too familiar.