How to Forgive a Cheating Spouse

Marital infidelity is one of the most disheartening, hurtful things that can take place during a marriage. Oftentimes the object of our cheating spouse’s affection is what we would consider to be below us. It leaves us wondering about our spouse’s judgment, and is followed up by making us wonder if maybe we don’t have as much going for us as we thought we did. After all, if our cheating spouse thinks he is upgrading to…that, then what does that say about us? It’s not simply that marital infidelity breaks a sacred promise. It’s that we are left questioning ourselves when we are hurt by the fact that our spouse has given his love to another. We are left, then, with two choices. We can leave our spouse, or we can stay with him. Either way though, it is required, if we are to move forward, that we learn to forgive him.

Instructions

1. The first thing to do is make sure you understand the purpose of forgiveness. The purpose of forgiveness is the re-attainment of personal peace. Two Buddhist monks were walking along and they came upon a young maiden standing by a creek, distraught over her inability to get across the creek without getting her pretty shoes wet. One of the monks picked her up, carried her across and sent the girl on her way. A while later the monk that had not helped turned to the good Samaritan and asked, “Do you think it’s OK that religious men such as ourselves touched a young maiden?” The other monk smiled and replied gently, “I put her down an hour ago. Why are you still carrying her?” The fact is that most people in our lives whom we fail to forgive have already moved on, and unless you bring a thing up again, they haven’t given the situation another thought. Remember that forgiving anyone for something exists for the purpose of putting down the burden that we took on when we were wronged.

2. In the case of a cheating spouse, to forgive, you must first identify the feelings you are having. Write a letter that you may or may not ever give your cheating spouse, but which will give you clarity over the specific things that have angered you. The actual affair is simple to get over. You weren’t there. The things that make us angry, and hurt us, are different depending on who we are individually. Those feelings can range from being frightened for the future of your children, to your misgivings that your spouse selected you by the same standards that they used to pick the clearly inferior person with whom they cheated.

3. If you are choosing to stay with your spouse, choose love over revenge or penance. Love is not a feeling of fondness, though we often use the word to denote fondness. Love is a conscious decision to do whatever is in the best interest of the other person (different than doing what they want you to do) regardless of reciprocation. There but for the grace of God go we all. While we may think we would never cheat on our spouse, the fact is that none of us is beyond reproach. Forgiveness requires love and grace.

4. While you may never actually forget, as the adage suggests, part of forgiveness is choosing not to support the memory of hurt. If you choose to forgive, you are also giving up all rights to win future arguments with a record of previous wrongdoing. Choose, when tempted to bring up his infidelity, to keep your mouth closed. Deal with pain when it is dealt and then move on. It is perfectly logical to nurse a sprained ankle. It is lunacy to nurse that angle after it has been given time to heal.

Resources

• Read this Article in Spanish