How to Stop Growing

You can stay a kid forever with a few simple tips.
You can stay a kid forever with a few simple tips. (Image: Photo by Ryn Gargulinski)

People have tried drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes or even eating certain types of food to stunt their growth, but nothing is assured to help you stop growing physically. If you wish to stop growing mentally and emotionally, however, that can be done in a snap. You can refuse to take a foray into adulthood, regardless if you’ve physically been an adult for several decades. Another beautiful thing occurs when you stop growing: you can actually begin to regress into a younger and less mature mindset with enough practice if you’re lucky. You can stop growing by using some fun and easy tips.

Things You'll Need

  • Alcohol or drugs (optional)
  • Cartoons and frosted cereal

Get drunk. Have your first drink at something like age 13 and continue to drink heavily on a daily basis. Make sure you no longer go to sleep, but simply pass out. Getting drunk all the time will definitely work to stunt your mental growth so, even if you did quite drinking at the age of 82, your mind would still be stuck as that 13-year-old. Regular drug abuse works in the same manner if you’d rather dabble in that.

Refuse to accept responsibility. This is a fine tactic that can have any 30-year-old acting more like they are five. The key is to never take responsibility for your actions, always blaming others for something that went wrong, didn’t get done or even things that went right. You can also stop growing by refusing to get cornered into responsible actions, like walking the dog, looking after the kids, making the car payment or anything else that entails a modicum of responsibility.

Throw tantrums. Rather than talking out problems like an adult, make sure you always react in a hasty, nasty and loud way, kind of like a two-year-old in the candy aisle whose mom won’t let him have any licorice. The louder and more obnoxious your tantrums can become, the better. Anyone who witnesses them will surely attest you have stopped growing long ago.

Be unemployed. Getting a job is another major step into the mentality of an adult. So don’t. Don’t go to school, either, or you may accidentally grow by learning something new. Simply sit on the couch and watch cartoons with a bowl of frosted cereal on your lap and a stuffed animal or 16 by your side.

Hang out with kids all day. Read children’s books and relate only on that level. You’ll soon be talking in goo-goos and ga-gas with fine words such as “poop” and “pee pee” and will never again be mistaken for an adult.

Tips & Warnings

  • This practice may be cute for a minute or two, but an adult who decides to stop growing mentally has a good chance of ending up divorced, thrown out of the house, in the loony bin or even in jail from stealing licorice from the candy aisle since they will not be able to pay for it without a job.

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