How to Scare Someone Into Returning Your Property

Enlist the help of someone who looks ready to fight.

Begging, pleading and even crying hasn’t helped you one iota when it comes to getting your stuff back from your evil ex, former friend or whomever else won’t return it. It’s time to get out the big guns. You can scare someone into returning your property with a little strategic planning and few simple steps.

Instructions

1. Threaten to call the police. If the person who is refusing to return your property already has a record, this might be enough to get your stuff back. If it’s not, actually go through with it and call the police, but this will only work if you happen to be good friends with a sergeant or two. Unless you have proof that the property is yours and it wasn’t given to the person willingly, you don’t have much of a case. If you do get the police to listen and take a report, ask if an officer can police accompany you to the person’s house to help get your stuff back.

2. Find a bodyguard. Your next step is to get a big, beefy burly guy to help you scare someone into returning your property. The more frightening the person looks, the better. You may have a large friend who is willing to help, or you can recruit a bouncer from a bar, a mall security guard or even a fellow you see on the street. Offer the person some cash for his trouble and set up a time to have him come with you to visit the person who has your property.

3. Show up on the person’s doorstep with the bodyguard. Make sure the person is home and make sure it’s a surprise. One of the best times to pay a surprise visit is around 6 a.m. on a weekend so you get the double surprise of showing up announced with a bodyguard and most likely waking the person up.

4. Be polite. Since you already have a big, beefy bodyguard on your side, there is no reason to be rude about asking for your stuff back. “May I please have my 62 CDs, bicycle and six pairs of shoes? My friend here accompanied me to retrieve them so there wouldn’t be any doubt that I really want them back.”

5. Be persistent. If the person makes up some dumb excuse, like he left all your stuff downtown for some reason, tell him that’s fine. You two will wait on the porch while he gets dressed and then you all can go drive downtown to get the things that are rightfully yours. Show the person you are not going away empty-handed.

Tips & Warnings

• If the tactic is working incredibly well, you can even hit up the person for some cash to pay the bodyguard once you have all your stuff back.

• Early morning weekend calls will also help assure less witnesses are around in case the confrontation does get physical.

• Other places to find threatening or bodyguard types is at the local gym, bar, construction site or prison work release program. If you really want a scene, get a drunk, big, beefy guy to visit the person with you in the middle of the night.

• It’s best not to get physical but, if the person tries to slam the door on your face, you may have to allow the bodyguard guy to take action. He can push, shove or otherwise rattle the thief, telling him more will be in store unless he gives back the items that are rightfully yours.

• If the person who has your property says it was destroyed and there is no way you can get it back,a sk for the money it was worth so you can replace it. Ask for extra, of course, for pain and suffering.