Things You'll Need:
- Years to flush on unconstructive boredom and near-constant aggravation.
- A stubborn and inexplicable dedication to your annoying habits.
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Step 1
When she expresses her feelings, ask her if she's on her period, or tell her she's being irrational/unreasonable/hysterical. Wrap these statements in as much condescension as possible. If available, repeatedly try to look past her in an effort to see the TV.
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Step 2
If you promise to do something, always "forget," or alternatively, don't ever quite finish the job.
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Step 3
Fart, belch, trap her in Dutch ovens and scratch your leather purse at will. Sniff you fingers afterwards. After all, she's your wife, so you really don't need to worry what she thinks anymore or make any effort to impress her. Be sure, however, to be on your best behavior around every other woman, especially when they are attractive.
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Step 4
Never have an opinion on anything she ever asks you about, such as which outfit/paint/sofa would look better or what gift would be most appropriate. Having an opinion could suggest interest in something she's doing and a desire to participate.
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Step 5
Eat as much pizza, beer, and burritos as you can stuff down and rest your arms on your enormous pot-belly while pointing out the physical deficiencies of any woman crossing the street or your TV screen. Be sure to suggest that women like Kate Winslet and Drew Barrymore, with their plastic surgery, personal trainers, and body fat percentages far lower than that of your average woman, are chunky. The fact that even these women aren't good enough for you will really drive the point home to your wife of what a disgusting hog you must secretly think she is.
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Step 6
Show utter contempt for women like Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne Barr, and Oprah Winfrey. Make it clear that you don't think they deserve to be rich since they are fat, regardless of whatever else they may have accomplished.
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Step 7
After making your wife feel like a beached whale, be sure to complain about any inconvenience caused by her watching what she eats. Her eating salads instead of nachos and pizza is a giant bore. Having to grab your own food is an insult. Her body issue insecurities are a giant pain in your butt. Remember, you want to set up near-impossible goals for women but expect them to come by them *naturally,* (see: "Giant Breasts"). This way, there's no way she can feel like she measures up.
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Step 8
Aggravate her body insecurity issues by saying things like, "No, your butt makes your butt look big" and slapping your thigh like you
are the best comedian on Earth... then complain about how she never wants to have sex with you. -
Step 9
Constantly act nostalgic for your bachelor years and talk incessantly about what a randy, rebellious stud you were before she came along and ruined your life. What you're aiming for here is to make her feel like the nagging, overbearing policeman-mom who is keeping the life of the party down.
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Step 10
Throw your hands up and shake your head all the time when you are having to deal with her, as though you have a pack of invisible friends around you who see how unreasonable she is.
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Step 11
Urinate on the seat, don't wash your hands, and don't put the seat down. What's even better for your sex life than making her feel like a mom-cop instead of a lady is to constantly remind her that boy-pee leaks out of those genitals.
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Step 12
Act as though unwelcome obligation or sheer inertia keeps you married to her. Never confront, discuss, or work on any issues in the relationship.
