How to Raise a Child During a Divorce

Getting a divorce is never easy and it's particularly hard on children. How you handle the change will have a lasting impact on your child's life. There are good ways and bad ways to go about raising a child post-divorce. Here are some basic steps to take.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Don’t spoil your kids. One of the main mistakes parents make post-divorce is to spoil and coddle their kids. This is understandable: parents feel guilty about separating and want the kids to have the easiest time possible. However, spoiling a child can lead to very serious problems.

2. Use discipline. It’s okay to punish a child if he has done something wrong. If the child is acting out due to the divorce, you will want to discuss the reason for the problem. There is an instinct to attribute every problem to the divorce and this isn’t necessarily true. You need to gauge what is new behavior and what is a normal mistake in behavior.

3. Explain why the divorce happened. At the same time, this is not mandatory. If the child is not making a lot of inquiries into why the divorce occurred, it may not be necessary to bring up the topic. How you handle the topic depends on the child’s reaction to the situation. If the child is becoming increasingly withdrawn and uncommunicative, you should try and start a dialog, being sensitive to the child’s mood. Bottling up feelings can lead to acting out, but some kids just don’t want or need to talk about the situation.

4. Talk to your spouse. If one spouse is not disciplining the child, and one is, this can lead to confusion. There needs to be some consistency in how you both parent your children. At the same time, kids do adapt and realize that each parent has a different style of parenting. Don't compete with your former spouse. Don't spoil the child so that he likes one parent better than the other.

5. Never talk negatively about your spouse no matter how rough the marriage has been. A child does not have the same relationship with his parent as you do so talking negatively will only be hurtful and confusing to your child.

6. Don’t be overly positive either. This goes back to Steps 1 and 2. Your instinct may be to shield a child from harm, but you should be honest about the current situation, without being overly negative or angry.

7. Create a fair custody arrangement. There are countless types of custody resolutions and custody will depend on the age of the child and nature of the divorce. Generally, it is a good idea for children to have some grounding. For children age five and younger, it is not easy for them to bounce back and forth to a different home every other day. Weekly arrangements would be more stable. In the past, the dad received comparatively little custody (every other weekend and one day a week) but courts are now siding for more parental custody for dads. Again, this depends on the nature of the relationship. Generally, bouncing back and forth in a short time frame is not a good idea for any age.

8. Don’t use your child as the go between. Your child should never be the mediator for issues about finances or anything else. Try and create an open dialog with your spouse. Email is a very good communication tool for divorced couples, compared to the phone.

9. Set a good example. These are tough times, but if you are frequently showing irritability this is going to rub off on the child. In fact, the child may mimic this behavior. The child is looking to you for guidance during the transition.