How to Repel Evangelists

Evangelists knocking on your door can be more annoying than even telemarketers. Following this three-step system will repel door-to-door evangelists.

Things You'll Need

• Political signs

Instructions

Repeling Pesky Evangelists From Your Doorstep

1. Live in a bad neighborhood. This has the effect of automatically eliminating cynical, carpetbagging evangelists from your doorstep, simply because they aren't going to venture into a bad neighborhood looking for donations. When I had drug dealers operating on both my street corners, I was visited only by the local Seventh Day Adventists. Now that my neighborhood has gentrified, I find myself forced to expand my evangelical repelling tactics. Living in a bad neighborhood will leave you with only your own local churches, Mormon missionaries and the truly devout evangelists to repel.

2. 

   Put up a sign supporting pro-choice politics. There is no organization in America that proselytizes door-to-door and also endorses pro-choice politics. In fact, many are militantly opposed to the pro-choice position, and many evangelists will consider you a contemptible sinner fit only to burn in hell.

3. Catholics and Jews almost never proselytize door-to-door, so if Steps 1 and 2 do not work, and an evangelist does knock on your door, be polite, but before they can get started with their prepared speech, tell them you are a practicing Catholic or Jew, and that you are not interested.

Tips & Warnings

• Be polite and consistent when using Step 3. There is no need to offend anyone, and once repelled, your local churches won't bother you again for years, leaving only Mormon missionaries and wandering, devout evangelists.

• You might be tempted to use one of those cute Fish-With-Feet Darwin signs in your yard or window. Don't. Evangelists are likely to think an atheist is ripe for conversion. Pro-choicers, on the other hand, are the enemy.