How to Love Someone With Aspergers / Autism- Part 1: Acceptance

Half the time you want to hold them forever, and the other half of the time you want to strangle them. You have a family member, friend or love with Aspergers, and you don't understand them, so it's making you crazy. But it doesn't have to be that way. Remembering a few things will enable you both to have a very rewarding relationship.

Accepting any friend, family member or mate who you don't understand, is challenging at best. The first step is for your heart to strive to accept them for who they are.

Difficulty:

Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• An open mind
• A willing heart
• Willingness to be accepting

1. When two people don't process information the same way, misunderstandings are not only possible, but unavoidable!

   Accept that you do not think alike. This means that you are likely to misunderstand each other. Knowing this will enable you to do three things: 1) When s/he says or does something that seems hurtful, you can trust that it may not have been intended the way you thought, even if it seems very clear to you. 2) When you say/do something that they take offense at, you can trust that they are misunderstanding you honestly and not trying to be critical. 3) When family members, co-workers, friends seem to be having a ''group opinion'' in the negative, you have the insight to be able to say ''It may appear to be that way, but I think it's a big misunderstanding''.

2. Not understanding the motives of a person with Aspergers/autism does not mean that they are not valid or reliable.

   Accept that you don't experience life the same way, so their obstacles, interests, complaints, frustrations are likely to seem illogical to you and those around you. (And them.) TIP: You can view/download a free short descriptive article which may help to explain how it feels to have Aspergers, at http://www.lulu.com/content/2991764 There are many issues which contribute to the way they view the world around them. There are communication issues, stigma, sensory, ''stereotypical interests'', unique responses to social issues and stressors... Many more things than you may be able to imagine. If you look at it as if they are dodging paintballs all day long every day, paintballs which are invisible to you, it may make a little more sense that they move the way they do, talk the way they do, and make the decisions they do. (As an analogy.)

3. Making the connection that this photo-op was designed to look ''natural'' simply may not occur to a boy with Aspergers.

   Accept that they are intelligent, and may have extraordinary skills that you may or may not understand, but very possibly lack what will seem to you to be common sense. The best way this was described to me one day was this way: ''Lorin, Aspergers is one of the most unkind of disorders. Most people can not understand how a person can solve very complex problems, but doesn't know to get out of the rain.'' What this means in your relationship is that the person you care for is intelligent enough to come up with solutions, even complex ones. Making things simple is the harder part. Accept that if s/he says ''I need help with ___'', that is what they need help with, even if it doesn't seem possible. The other side of the coin is if the person says ''I am capable of ___'', it is a good idea to trust that. A diagnostic measure of Aspergers is that they must be of at LEAST average intelligence. As such, the person you care for is more likely to know their limitations, not less.

4. Although many adult Aspies have ''given up'' on fitting in, most feel quite alone in the world unless they have a caring support system. Everyone needs to be accepted for the individuals they are.

   Accept that they need love and understanding. People with Aspergers, despite what has been widely written, do have emotions. In fact, more often they are rich with emotion, not devoid of it. More modern literature is starting to reflect this more accurate position. The difference is that the response is different in them. People with Aspergers are often very lonely and can become depressed as a result of feeling out of place in the world. Reaching out to someone who has Aspergers may open more questions for you than provide answers, but a greater effort is likely to yield a greater reward in the long run.

Tips & Warnings

• Even without their diagnosis, these steps can help foster a rewarding relationship.

• Stress increases behaviors you may find frustrating. Decrease the stressors, however small, and you will decrease behaviors which you (both) find frustraing.

• It is always important to get a diagnosis before assuming that your loved one has Aspergers.

• People with Aspergers don't respond to criticisms, threats and manipulation the way ''other people'' do. Even if you don't think you are, if your interaction is perceived this way (even falsely), you are likely to get an unexpected response. TIP: Diffuse the situation by saying something caring or suggesting a break.

Resources

• Article (free) What does it FEEL like to have Aspergers?
• A Panoptic Life blog home
• Autism/Aspergers awareness stuff you would actually LIKE to wear and use
• Tools for parents of kids with autism, like worksheets, booklets. All downloadable, most are almost free.