How to Avoid the FWB (Friends With Benefits) Rut

It creeps up on you. Bluntly put, you’re putting out but you have an uneasy feeling that your relationship is treading water rather than moving forward, shark-like, as Woody Allen famously reminded us it must do to survive. You’ve become a friend. With benefits. Only question is who’s the beneficiary? Realize that FWB is what happens when a man can’t handle a full-blown relationship. (FWB deals can favor man or woman, so change pronouns as needed.) The FWB arrangement allows him emotional distance, yes, and plenty of healthy orgasms. It begins quite naturally with attraction and talk is intimate enough to lull you into believing he’s interested. Truly. The signs that he wants to get to know you are there. He listens as you reveal how your last relationship went awry, your view on global warming, and your love of Diana Krall. So when he pounces after a carefully orchestrated, well-oiled (your favorite Chardonnay) dinner at his place, it’s a smooth pounce. The next day you wonder why he doesn’t call. Post nookie you see him once a week, seldom twice; a pattern develops. Yes, my dear, you’ve fallen into the FWB rut. Here are a few pointers to AVOID the FWB syndrome and recognize the signs:

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Things You’ll Need:

• You'll need to date as if you DON'T need a date.
• Lose the expectations, at least early-on. Take it one date at a time.
• You'll need to date from a position of strength.
• KNOW your needs in a relationship and express them. Out loud. As early as possible.

1. Sex. Don't have it too soon. This is a no-brainer. The only problem is defining “too soon.” Ten dates is the minimum. Hold out for months if you can, and no, I’m not joking. The idea in getting to know one another before doing the dirty is to allow a connection to develop. Yes, the old friendship thing.
2. Notice if he’s keeping in contact. It shows he’s thinking of you. It’s the sign he wants to get to know you better and has the maturity to pursue a relationship.
3. Keep dating others. This will prevent you from expecting too much too early. It’s also a little like comparison shopping. You want the best deal, so line them up and analyze their best traits, keeping in mind the negatives and positives.
4. He gradually includes you in his life. This is important. A man who’s good at compartmentalizing is a man who can hold you at arm’s length or worse, park you in Kansas City and take off for Hoboken. I’m talking metaphorically here. (I suppose this makes sense unless you’re actually reading this while living in Kansas City.)
5. Count the actions, not the words. I’ll say it again. Count the actions, not the words. The actions are pretty much where it’s at when getting a handle on someone.
6. Get your needs met, right from the start. If you don’t want sex without a relationship, don’t lie down. If you need to be exclusive before sex, make sure his profile is off the dating site. You want to be a part of his life, but haven’t met his daughter, his dog, or been to his place? He’s keeping you at a distance. Hey, it works for him. Is it working for you?
7. Keep dating him. Don’t be cooking dinner, hanging out watching movies, or dog sitting. That’s girlfriend behavior and you’re not the g.f. yet. It could even lead to a friend without benefits arrangement. Soon he’ll be telling you about his dates.
8. Turn down his invitations occasionally. Do it honestly because you’re truly busy, you have a life, and, well, er, you’re dating a few interesting men that aren’t him. Being available leads to being taken for granted and that leads to, er, you guessed it. FWB.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't always be the willing talker, at the ready to discuss The Relationship, fill in the blanks, share. Give him space to contemplate life with AND without you. If he backs away, let him go. You're after a partner who's grateful to be with you. (And you with him or her.)
• No matter what you do, he may have issues that make him less than relationship-worthy and he likely won’t be sharing them.
• Move on quickly when it ain’t workin’ or your stomach’s in a boil.
• Time WILL tell.