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Step 1
Set a time to discuss the problem when you are both focused and relaxed. Avoid trying to solve problems when one or both of you are very angry, stressed out or exhausted. Focus on calming down first.
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Step 2
Use loving and respectful communication with your spouse, even when you’re frustrated or upset. Remember that you’re both in this to solve the problem and enjoy life together, not to attack each other or win a fight.
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Step 3
Make sure you both understand the problem you’re trying to solve. Don’t assume your spouse can read your mind about what’s wrong. Try to solve just one problem at a time, not every possible issue or past complaint.
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Step 4
Define the problem in clear, neutral terms. Avoid making accusations, blaming your spouse or using words like always and never. For example, instead of saying “You never help me out around the house,” try “I need more support with the housework.”
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Step 5
Rate how important this issue is to each of you on a scale of one to 10. This can help you choose which things are worth discussing and which aren’t, and help communicate your priorities to your spouse.
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Step 6
Respect your partner’s perspective of the problem. You may not think the issue (who cleans the bathrooms or how often in-laws visit) is important at all, but if it’s important to your spouse, it’s important enough for both of you to discuss together.
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Step 7
Make a list of possible solutions together. You may want to brainstorm, and allow even ridiculous or implausible solutions first. Listen to your spouse without criticism, and give each of you an opportunity to contribute ideas.
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Step 8
Go through the list of possible solutions and discuss them. You may want to go through each potential solution, or just narrow it down to a few that sound best to both of you first. You may want to make a list of pros and cons for each solution.
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Step 9
Choose a solution that you both can agree on. Make a plan for implementing the solution. You may want to give a potential solution a trial period in which you both agree to give your best effort, even if you end up needing to try another solution later.
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Step 10
Show your appreciation to your spouse for discussing the problem with you and working toward a solution together.
