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Step 1
Well, kind of. The truth is, there's a real aesthetic to strip-club costumes, and every working girl worth her stage fee knows how to dress to minimize her figure flaws and maximize her income.
For instance, clear plastic shoes show off your toenail polish and go with everything, but if you have cellulite, wear dark, thigh-high stockings instead. Either way, seven-inch heels will make your legs look long and lean—just make sure the heels are stiletto-style, not chunky. Men love to watch women dance in shoes that resemble medieval torture devices, so wise strippers choose teeteringly-high footwear that would make even the bravest podiatrist weep. If you can't walk in high-heeled sandals, try boots: the extra ankle support can be helpful, and you'll look as lithe and sinuous as Catwoman. -
Step 2
The best accessory for seven-inch stiletto heels? Savvy lap-dancers know the answer is socks—knee-high, over-the-knee, or anklet, customers love socks on sexy women almost as much as they love their Iron Maiden footwear. Sure, you haven't worn knee socks since the sixth grade, and the idea of pairing wooly socks and strappy evening sandals would give Tim Gunn a brain embolism—but the strip club aesthetic isn't about elegance, it's about a certain homespun playfulness. The sock-and-heel combo is disarmingly tacky—besides, socks keep your cold toes nice and cozy and can cover up a botched pedicure.
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Step 3
In the alternate reality of the strip club world, a scarf is never worn around the neck or over your head to keep warm in bad weather. No—a scarf is actually a skirt, albeit a very abbreviated one. Just tie the scarf around your hips pirate-style, let the fringe hang down temptingly, and remember: one untied knot gets you naked from the waist down. There's nothing sexy about struggling with a series of hooks, straps, and buttons—stripper apparel is all about convenience and effortless nudity. When you only have a three-minute song to strip to onstage, every moment counts.
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Step 4
Finally, pantyhose. No, don't wear them on your legs, Ms. Corporate CEO—cut the feet off and the cotton gusset out of the crotch, making a head-size hole. Then turn the de-footed pantyhose upside down—and voila, you have a naughty see-through long-sleeved mesh shirt! Put your head through the hole in the crotch and your arms through each pantyhose leg, and make sure the seams are straight, front and back. A million strippers can't be wrong: men love looking at boobs through tight, sheer fabric. Why pay top dollar at the goth shop in your local mall when you can make your own see-through shirt out of a pair of L'Eggs?
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Step 5
Dressing like a stripper isn't just about looking hot, it's about looking fun and approachable. After all, it isn't the most beautiful girl in the strip club who makes the most money—it's the confident, smiling dancer in the homemade costume who ends up earning her rent in one shift. Sure, you may not want to wear a gauzy scarf that just barely covers your ass to the grocery store—but in the boudoir, cribbing a few working-girl pro tips may be just the ticket.
