How to Bond With a Teenage Daughter

It's easier to get along when you're playing and laughing.

I often felt neglected because my 14-year-old daughter would rather bond with friends than with me. When nagging and pleading didn't work, in desperation I tried a more creative approach: I thought of things we might do together that would be fun. After vetoing dozens of my suggestions, she was finally willing to try one. We enrolled in a 4-hour beading workshop and made necklaces together. It was fun, and this training still comes in handy. When the clasp broke on my necklace, I'd forgotten the proper restringing techniques, but she remembered and did it for me. I like it when she takes care of me and I tell her so, which is also good bonding. Here are seven more ways to bond.

Instructions

1. Think New, Be Original.
   Try something you've never done together. Manda and I rode horses up Cougar Mountain and took kayaking lessons on Lake Washington. She liked that so much that she would even get out of bed at 6 a.m. (my favorite morning hour)to kayack with me.

2. Show Big Time Appreciation.
   When Manda agreed to go kayaking at 6 a.m., I really appreciated her for compromising. I told her so and bragged about her to my friend. "She's such a good sport," I'd say. My appreciation and acknowledgment brings us together in another way and lets her know that I recognize and value what she's doing for me.

3. Put Energy Into Your Relationship Now.
   Instead of wasting precious time mourning the lose of the sweet, innocent child you once had, put your energy into building on the relationship you've got now. Time spent with your teenager will be in shorter spurts, but it's just as meaningful as the time you spent with her when she was a toddler.

4. Find Activities That Spark Her Interest.
   Ask for her input and listen to her point of view. On your way home from an errand, surprise her by turning into a music store and picking out a CD. Ask her if there is any music that she thinks you might like. Make a list of short activities that only take a half-hour to 3 hours. She won't be so resistant if she knows that she doesn't have to spend the whole day with you. Let her know that you understand that she needs time with her friends too.

5. Work Around Schedules.
   Bonding doesn't work if it's forced. Plan in advance around both your schedules. Impromptu outings work too, but you might have to ask numerous times to find the opportunity and mood. Keep disappointment to yourself. No need for guilt trips. Say, "That's okay honey, I'm looking forward to hanging out with you another time."

6. Find Things to Laugh About.
   If you can't laugh together, your bonding activities will fall flat. With a teen at home you need to develop a sense of humor. Look at the funny side of things. The two of you are going to need laughter to get you through moods and transitions. Warning: She's supersensitive, so don't laugh at her. Laughing with your teenage daughter puts the two of you in tune, and that's the warm feeling you want her to remember.

7. Take Pictures.
   Capture those moments of togetherness. Record all those mother-daughter bonding events. Even small outings are worth taking a picture of. After all, it's often the little things that are the most meaningful. When she's moved away from home, not only will she have a baby album, but she'll also have photos reminding her of the fun the two of you had during the teen years.

Tips & Warnings

• Your daughter will not remember details of her infancy or early childhood, but she'll easily remember the teenage years, so be sure to have positive upbeat experiences to fill her memory bank.