How to Be a Better Listener

By eHow Relationships & Family Editor

Rate: (21 Ratings)

As you've probably heard, good communication is the most important part of a successful marriage. And careful listening may be the most important part of good communication.

Instructions

Difficulty: Easy

Things You’ll Need:

Step1
Position yourself so that you can be engaged with your spouse and the conversation: Face your spouse and make eye contact. If you are doing something else (for example, typing or reading the paper), stop.
Step2
Close the door to minimize interruptions and let your partner know you're willing to listen.
Step3
Pay attention to your spouse's words. Stop daydreaming and letting your mind wander elsewhere.
Step4
Pay attention to nonverbal cues: Notice pitch, tone and inflection. Observe facial expressions and posture. Is your partner slouched, turned away from you, or sitting with his arms crossed? These postures may indicate that he is upset - try to find out why.
Step5
Be conscious of your spouse's personality - and your history together - when you're evaluating her words.
Step6
Try to determine what your spouse wants from you, even if it's not explicitly stated. Sympathy? Advice?
Step7
Try to rid yourself of biases or preconceptions that can distort what you hear or your understanding of it.
Step8
Avoid interrupting the speaker before he is done talking. You might be thought rude, but more important, you might misinterpret what your partner is saying if you don't let him finish.
Step9
Respond appropriately. Encourage your partner with an understanding nod or say 'I see' or 'That makes sense.'
Step10
Ask questions to clarify what you don't understand and to demonstrate your interest. Open-ended questions (such as 'How did that make you feel?') promote further discussion.

Tips & Warnings

  • Your questions and comments reflect how closely you have been listening. Good listeners might incorporate bits of what the speaker has said, sometimes much earlier in the discussion, into their questions.
  • Keep an open mind and avoid jumping to conclusions.
  • Avoid turning the focus of the conversation onto you. For example, if your spouse is trying to confide a personal problem, avoid saying 'That's just like the time I ...' and digressing into unhelpful stories about yourself or your own problems.
  • Avoid trying to plan your next comment while the other person is talking - this can detract from listening and hearing.
  • Don't let your emotions cloud what the other person is saying.

Comments

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on 9/19/2008 Very good advice. Being a better listener is important in our every day lives.

dovessong

dovessong said

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on 7/1/2008 I agree also absolutely helpful advice in some areas but I also agree with what kikimo said to. What if it's him that isn't listening and worse off isn't willing to listen, then what? My husband is not willing to listen to me when I am trying to explain anything that deals with me. And he claims it's because it's always about me. I have tried to explain that I wouldn't be turning all the time to me if he would listen better and do the things I need from him to do to help me and us. So even though I do agree your advice is good it sounds like you are picking on women like we are the problem. We take a lot of our cues from men and men are more the problem in listening than women. Why is this? Because they learned it from their fathers and so on. If ever an woman is an problem in it it's because we have emulated what men do that are wrong and it sounds like in your advice you are blaming wo

kikimo

kikimo said

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on 8/16/2007 Absolute helpful advice but what do u do when HE doesn't listen to your needs? I'm listening to scapegoats selfishness from HIM all the time and I'm really not sure what to do next, .... if at all.....

Anonymous

Anonymous said

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on 8/8/2006 If you are having a conversation in a room with a TV set in it,. by all means, turn it off. The same goes for music, unless it's soft instrumental music that is non-distracting. The fewer distractions, the better.

Anonymous

Anonymous said

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on 11/22/2005 Paraphrasing means that you repeat back their story with your own words. This has the effect of:

1) Making you pay attention to what they have to say.
2) Avoids miscommunication by allowing them to correct you if you are wrong.
3) Turns them into an effective listener themselves because they are curious to hear their story from your mouth.
4) Establishes trust with them because they can tell that you are trying to empathize with them.

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