How to Be a Better Listener

As you've probably heard, good communication is the most important part of a successful marriage. And careful listening may be the most important part of good communication.

Difficulty: Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Personal Organizers
• Spiral Notebooks
• Writing Pens

1. Position yourself so that you can be engaged with your spouse and the conversation: Face your spouse and make eye contact. If you are doing something else (for example, typing or reading the paper), stop.

2. Close the door to minimize interruptions and let your partner know you're willing to listen.

3. Pay attention to your spouse's words. Stop daydreaming and letting your mind wander elsewhere.

4. Pay attention to nonverbal cues: Notice pitch, tone and inflection. Observe facial expressions and posture. Is your partner slouched, turned away from you, or sitting with his arms crossed? These postures may indicate that he is upset - try to find out why.

5. Be conscious of your spouse's personality - and your history together - when you're evaluating her words.

6. Try to determine what your spouse wants from you, even if it's not explicitly stated. Sympathy? Advice?

7. Try to rid yourself of biases or preconceptions that can distort what you hear or your understanding of it.

8. Avoid interrupting the speaker before he is done talking. You might be thought rude, but more important, you might misinterpret what your partner is saying if you don't let him finish.

9. Respond appropriately. Encourage your partner with an understanding nod or say 'I see' or 'That makes sense.'

10. Ask questions to clarify what you don't understand and to demonstrate your interest. Open-ended questions (such as 'How did that make you feel?') promote further discussion.

Tips & Warnings

• Your questions and comments reflect how closely you have been listening. Good listeners might incorporate bits of what the speaker has said, sometimes much earlier in the discussion, into their questions.
• Keep an open mind and avoid jumping to conclusions.
• Avoid turning the focus of the conversation onto you. For example, if your spouse is trying to confide a personal problem, avoid saying 'That's just like the time I ...' and digressing into unhelpful stories about yourself or your own problems.
• Avoid trying to plan your next comment while the other person is talking - this can detract from listening and hearing.
• Don't let your emotions cloud what the other person is saying.

[musingsallie]

on 5/28/2009 I'm sending this to my husband now!

[eastcoasttravel]

on 2/25/2009 Two things that I have learned in talking to my spouse is that 1) they are not always looking for us (men) to solve the problem they are discussing, and 2) when they give what seems like a long speech then you (listener) need to respond by breaking the many topics/issues into separate conversations (i.e.: "So, the first thing you're saying is....").

[amandaavey]

on 1/13/2009 yes, removing the distractions is important...especially when speaking to men. at the end of a long day they want to unwind and t.v. is an escape. nothing against that at all...but having one's full attention is imperative to listening well. great advice!

[happysnowshoer2]

on 9/19/2008 Very good advice. Being a better listener is important in our every day lives.

[dovessong]

on 7/1/2008 I agree also absolutely helpful advice in some areas but I also agree with what kikimo said to. What if it's him that isn't listening and worse off isn't willing to listen, then what? My husband is not willing to listen to me when I am trying to explain anything that deals with me. And he claims it's because it's always about me. I have tried to explain that I wouldn't be turning all the time to me if he would listen better and do the things I need from him to do to help me and us. So even though I do agree your advice is good it sounds like you are picking on women like we are the problem. We take a lot of our cues from men and men are more the problem in listening than women. Why is this? Because they learned it from their fathers and so on. If ever an woman is an problem in it it's because we have emulated what men do that are wrong and it sounds like in your advice you are blaming wo