How to Flatulate Secretively

Gas is a problem that everyone experiences. Flatulence is a fact of life, but it's socially unacceptable to loudly flatulate in a public place. It can also be humiliating for the person with the gas problem if he has no choice but to flatulate in public. While it's always best to flatulate privately or in a washroom, if you can't hold it in, then learn some skills to flatulate secretively.

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

1. Know your body's inner workings. Farts come from gas stored in your intestines. This gas comes from various places including the air you swallow, chemical reactions and bacteria in your gut and air seeping from blood into the intestines.

2. Recognize the signs your body gives you when a fart is coming. Usually you can feel a fart building up because of the turning of your intestines. Almost everyone knows a fart is coming on based on the increase of pressure around the anus.

3. Get away from a group of people if you feel the urge to flatulate. Move casually but briskly to the back of the room or many feet away from people. Slowly release the air in increments so that it doesn't make a resounding noise.

4. Walk away from the smell, but don't return immediately to the group. The smell will usually stick to your clothes, so walk around to dissipate the smell before you return.

5. Create some noise like scraping your chair or sharpening your pencil in an electric sharpener to try to muffle any sound that occurs when you flatulate. Coughing sometimes works too.

6. Sit on a soft surface. The cushion will absorb the sound of the fart, but not the smell. So be kind to other people and don't sit down beside an unsuspecting person on a couch and let it rip.

Tips & Warnings

• Never push or strain to try to make the fart come out faster. This move could result in a much louder one than you intended, and will definitely draw attention to you.

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[bethany1202]

on 8/11/2009 LOL! Great article.

[ladypoot]

on 7/28/2009 Good info. If in a public place, I act like I'm browsing when I poot. I make sure noone is around. I stand in one spot and poot until I don't have to poot anymore. I know that I'm on camera all over the city with my butt in a empty corner pooting. LOL I act like I'm browsing but really be looking out to make sure noone is coming while I'm blowing off a good poot or two. LOL

[mihareyweener]

on 2/17/2009 Get away from a group of people if you feel the urge to flatulate. Move casually but briskly to the back of the room or many feet away from people. Slowly release the air in increments so that it doesn't make a resounding noise...Walk away from the smell, but don't return immediately to the group. The smell will usually stick to your clothes, so walk around to dissipate the smell before you return...ROTFL!!Wow... you REALLY posted a question like this?

[tompetkovic613]

on 1/16/2009 It should also be noted that pushing the fart to come out faster will often result in the smelling up of you undergarments until they are replaced for a clean pair.

One cleaner and 100% guaranteed silent way to fart would be to insert both hands in their respective pant pockets and then subtly squeeze open your butt cheeks as you release these sometimes toxic fumes.