How to Name a Baby
There have been hundreds of scientific studies that I’m too lazy to research at the moment that claim the naming of your offspring is one of the most important things you will do for them. If you’re a regular guy like me, classic names like Lauren and James can really set your kids up for success. If you’re a pretentious celebrity, you use the naming of your child as a way to further your “brand.”
Nicolas Cage
If you’re Nic Cage, eccentric, and you have an unhealthy obsession with Superman (he failed to get the lead in Superman’s mid-’90 reboot), you name your son Kal-El—baby Superman’s name on Krypton.
Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson
If you’re a pseudo-emo power couple from the ‘00s and you’ve built your career on being quirky, look to Disney. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson went for Bronx Mowgli. For their love of the northernmost NYC borough and The Jungle Book.
Shannyn Sossamon
If you’re a struggling actress with no name recognition, but on the cusp of the C-list, you name your son after developing Beats By Dre technology. Shannyn Sossamon named her kid Audio Science—there she is stumbling out of a party at Les Deux Café in Hollywood. Shocked?
Jay -Z and Beyonce
If you’re Jay -Z and Beyonce and together, you have more money than God, you can name your kid whatever you want. Blue Ivy? Sure, why not? Why even give birth to Blue Ivy? You’ve heard the rumors right? Surrogate? That’s what I’ve heard.
Gwen Stefani
Gwen Stefani named her second son Zuma Nesta Rock. Ugh, this one’s really pushing the envelope. Whenever you go with four or more names and you’re not Hispanic, you’ve gone overboard.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin named their daughter Apple. She also only lets Apple watch TV in French or Spanish. That kid is gonna lash out when she hits puberty.
Holly Madison
Holly Madison, former nude model and exotic dancer named her daughter Rainbow Aurora. I’m shocked.
Alicia Silverstone
Alicia Silverstone and her musician husband, Christopher Jarecki named their son Bear Blu. Look at that guy’s shirt—how much do you want to bet that he had something to do with that name.
Penn Jillette
As Penn Jillette’s kids, what would be worse: Being named Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette and Zolten Penn Jillette or never being able to get rid of your dad’s partner.
