How to Talk to a New Yorker

New Yorkers are just like normal people, except better communicators. Don't take offense. New Yorkers just get a lot of practice, right from birth all the way through life, as there are just so darn many of them in such a small area. New Yorkers are often mythologized as rude, but there is absolutely no basis for this except for the common mistake of conflating directness with callousness. Anyone can learn how to talk to a New Yorker, without developing the annoying habit of affecting a mafioso accent. Read on to learn how to talk to a New Yorker.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1. Be direct. If you would like something, say you would like something. If someone asks you for something but you cannot or will not give it, say "No" or "Sorry no." Under no circumstances should you sound apologetic when you answer a request with "Sorry no," lest you appear weak and pathetic or a sympathetic target for a smooth hustle.
2. Be polite. New Yorkers are big on politeness. If you forget to employ such common phrases as "Excuse me" and "Please," you will be considered pretty rude yourself and will be responded to accordingly. When moving through a crowd or if someone is in your way, it is perfectly polite to utter an assertive "Excuse me." If you do not utter this magic phrase, the body blocking you will most likely not move. If you attempt to sneak by a person who is blocking your way, jostling them in the process, they will consider you rude or gutless for not having said anything to warn them. When someone does move aside for you, thank them. They will most likely say, "No problem," according to etiquette.
3. A common way to say "Hello" in New York is "Hello." Other acceptable greetings include "How you doing'" (spoken as a statement, not a question); "How are you" or "How are ya" (with the accent on "are"); or any of these statements preceded by "Hey" just so long as there is no distinguishable pause after the "Hey."
4. Don't be afraid to make conversation with strangers, but if someone ignores your advances, don't push too long. Many New Yorkers in general enjoy talking. They enjoy hearing their own voices, and they enjoy responding to things that people say. Other New Yorkers prefer to be left alone. The rule of thumb is to be outgoing but don't just yap forever at someone who is not responding.
5. Smile. Contrary to their image at large, New Yorkers are not a bunch of mean, jaded, cynical jackasses. If you are looking for that kind of person, seek elsewhere. New Yorkers, as a bunch, are pretty happy. They love a good joke, they enjoy engaging in bawdy discussion (use some discretion as to who is present), and they tend to emote and feel very deeply. Their sense of sympathy and empathy is fully engaged, even if they don't always want to indulge everything.

Tips & Warnings

• Be fearless in New York. Be yourself. Don't try and pretend to be a local.
• This article is a general guide. Do not walk up to a stranger at 3:30 a.m. in a deserted street and attempt to strike up a stimulating discussion about the modern art of Edward Hopper. As is true everywhere in the world, nighttime in empty places is not a safe place to loiter.