How to Use Non-Violent Communication Practices

Individuals struggling with anger have a hard time dealing with ambiguous situations and sometimes it is easy to come to the wrong conclusion. Unfortunately, especially if you are a parent, this is one mistake to avoid making. There are ways to learn how to use non-violent communication practices between the parent and child. Perhaps the easiest way is to break down the process into two distinct sections: The thought process, and the practical application. Follow these steps and you will not only learn how to use non-violent communication practices externally, but how to arrive at the appropriate methodology via a distinct thought process.

Things You'll Need

• Previous counseling or awareness of anger issues
• Willingness to follow through

Instructions

How to Use Non-Violent Communication Practices—Thought Processes

1. Observe an action or interaction from an objective standpoint. While A may look like he is making an openhanded attack against B’s head, think instead about what you just saw. A raised his arm, extended his open hand, and flicked his wrist in a rapid motion aimed at B’s head.

2. Recognize how the action you observed affects you emotionally. You may believe that A is actually striking B and this is causing an intense feeling of anger in you. You may feel like you wish you could walk over to A and B and strike A in order to avenge the action he apparently took against B.

3. Identify what trigger was activated inside you that makes you want to act in this manner. It might be the fact that A is a lot taller and heavier than B, and your sense of fairness is offended. Maybe A and B are in a trust relationship where A has the duty to look after B, and your sense of trust is undermined by what you think you witnessed. Regardless what evokes the strong emotion, go to the root of it and see if it correlates to an important need inside you which may not be getting met appropriately.

4. Clarify your observation. Approach A and ask about the action that took place. Depending on your role in previous interactions, you may feel more comfortable approaching B instead. State simply if it is accurate that A struck B. Let A or B clarify your observation. A may state that he was swatting at a fly that was threatening to land on B’s head.

5. Evaluate the information you received, square it with your observations, and resolve to incorporate it into your frame of reference when dealing with A and B in the future.

How to Use Non-Violent Communication Practices—Application

1. See your children do something that does not look right to you. Do not allow your emotions to take over right away, but turn the critical eye of a teacher toward your children, and break down into different steps the interaction you just saw.

2. Acknowledge to yourself that are you are subject to a sudden burst of negative emotions, such as anger, frustration, fear, or annoyance, and that these emotions are tempting you to act in a potentially inappropriate manner against your children.

3. Trace back the emotions to the root trigger. You may feel angered at not being minded when you told your children to keep their hands to themselves. You may be frustrated at not being obeyed. You may feel fear of being judged an unfit parent because your children are noisy or disobedient, or you may feel annoyance because you believe the interaction you witnessed is an example of not being respected as an authority figure.

4. Shed light on the actual event by sitting down with your children and calmly asking them to explain what they just did or saw. The less you talk, the more of a chance your children have to make themselves heard.

5. Use the new information you just received, and see if it is a logical explanation for what you witnessed earlier. If it is, take it at face value and move on. If it is not, repeat the previous step and ask for more clarification.

Tips & Warnings

• When you arrive at the clarification step, it is crucial to not use emotionally laden language, but instead remain in observer mode. Avoid any and all judgments and instead simply ask empirical questions.

• Practice anger management techniques if you find that you may lose control of your temper.

• Do not mete out consequences when you are angry.

• Never approach your children when your anger is out of control

Resources

• Visit the Center for Nonviolent Communication at the CNVC.org site and learn a lot more about the processes involved in this style of interaction.
• Take a look at the many tools offered on the RadicalCompassion.SquareSpace.com website. They are designed to help you integrate more aspects of non violent communication in your everyday parenting and overall interactions.