How to Cope When Your Parents Won't Accept You For Being Transgender

Many youth, queer or otherwise, can find it hard to deal with their parents.
It's a big letdown, as a trans youth, to have to have your parents act disappointed in you.

This article should help you work out some kind of truce with your folks or yourself, be it just the way you dreamed of or something else.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Self Confidence
• Patience
• Time
• Insurance(Maybe)

1. If you've just come out, don't worry yet. A lot of parents, upon hearing that their child is transgender for the first time, react with shock, outrage, and terror. They may think you are kidding, or that this is a very recent idea for you. Almost all of them will try to "reason" or cajole you out of it. If you are in this first stage, you might want to give your parents a break to cool off.

2. Get to therapy. Not only is it a stepping stone to other health services (like hormones, SRS, or antidepressants, if any are needed/wanted), it's also a great tension reliever if your parents are bugging you, and a good tool to use to talk to them. If your family has health insurance, you will probably be able to cover therapists who work through public institutions. If not, try school counselors,or queer community centers (which often have free or sliding-scale therapy).
   
   Once you're there, your counselor or therapist may talk to you about family counseling. If your parent will come, it's a good idea. A therapist who is experienced can monitor a conversation between you and a parent in which they cannot overpower you or ignore you.

3. In addition to therapy, a good talk with your parent, if they are willing, may help. I would have laughed if you'd told me this when I first came out to mine, but it's very empowering to approach your parent as an adult, and without yelling or namecalling, explain the issue to them and ask them for their support.
   
   You can put a lot of effort into this, and sometimes it works. Show them websites! Bring them books! Explain to them, clearly, what your gender identity means to you. Tell them you are not sick, confused, or pretending. You will not change your mind. Tell them the first time you knew you were a boy or a girl. If they have complaints or concerns, address them. Banish all their stereotypes.

4. If you have tried everything, and nothing works, know when to say uncle. You can have a life that is separate from theirs, and it all starts with your state of mind.
   
   Construct a mental happy place to go to every time they call you "she" instead of "he". Remind yourself that they are your parents, and you love them, even if they say "my son" instead of "my daughter" for the fortieth time. YOU are in the right, as you have been honest and confident about who you are. You have the right to be treated with respect, even if you don't receive it.

Tips & Warnings

• If dealing with your folks is wearing you out, take a little break, like a nice long nap or a day with a friend. Go somewhere, even mentally or for five minutes, where you don't have to be judged and picked at.
• The help of a kind teacher or mentor is good, too. Try having them call your folks and talk them through it. PFLAG(Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) can be really helpful here.
• If your parents may disown you, hurt you, or throw you out of the house, do not try this. Your physical safety comes before anything else. Get help if you are at risk for violence or abuse.

Resources

• Mermaids-useful tips for youth and parents.