How to Use Spanking Appropriately (as a Last Resort) When Disciplining Children

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

Patience
Self-Control
Communication
Unconditional Love

Step 1

First and foremost, remember that the purpose of discipline is to teach and instruct. Our children need to understand which behaviors are not appropriate or acceptable, and we should always start with the mildest methods possible to help them learn to respect these boundaries. If a behavior persists in spite of milder discipline methods, we gradually up the ante until the child clearly understands that this behavior cannot be tolerated.
Step 2

Spanking should be the absolute last resort, after every other possible discipline method has failed to curb a specific destructive behavior. Spanking should not be used because you're angry, frustrated, or you've reached "the end of your rope". It should not be used just because that's how you were raised, or you lack the creativity to find another way.

Every child is different, and it is our responsibility as parents to discover how our children best learn, and cater our discipline methods to their needs. Exhaust all alternative discipline methods first, before considering spanking. If you find yourself running out of ideas, I highly recommend "The Discipline Book" by Dr. William Sears & Martha Sears, and "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman. Also, see my article on using Natural Consequences (see resource links).
Step 3

Try to determine why previous methods have failed. Are you sure that your child is developmentally ready to understand that this behavior is wrong, and why? For instance, a child younger than 15 months does not have the mental capacity to deliberately defy you. They keep going after the electrical socket (even though you've repeatedly told them "no") because they are driven by an irrepressible curiosity to explore and learn. You may punish them, but two seconds later they'll forget and go right back to it. This is perfectly normal, and the best thing to do at this age is distract and redirect attention.

It's not until around 18 months that they start to remember where the boundaries are, and then they're naturally predisposed to test the boundaries, to see what the consequence will be. You say "no", they smile at you and deliberately cross the line, to see what your reaction should be. Again, this is not malicious: it's how they learn. There are plenty of mild and effective methods of discipline at your disposal at this age.

Do a little research into early childhood development. Talk to your pediatrician if you suspect there may be any delays or learning disabilities. Do not punish a child for crossing a boundary they cannot understand.
Step 4

Are you having trouble communicating with your child? Sometimes we react at the stupid things kids do, thinking they should know better, while the truth is we never taught them the proper behavior in the first place. Have you ever taken the time to teach your child what matches are capable of, why they are dangerous, and how to use them safely (once they're old enough)? If not, don't be surprised to find your kids exploring and testing them. Again, the purpose of discipline is to teach. Do not punish a child for crossing a boundary they didn't know was there.
Step 5

If the specific behavior your are trying to curb involves lying, cheating or sneaking, it may be a sign that your child is afraid of losing your approval, or somehow trying to earn it. Children desperately need to know that you love them unconditionally. Your child should feel confident that they can talk to you about anything, without fear of rejection. If you yell at them for innocent mistakes, or withhold affection until your standards are met, you're perpetuating the problem rather than solving it.

If a child confesses to the crime, it's a sign that he already understands that what he did was wrong and is trying to make amends. Praise them for telling the truth, and choose an appropriately mild discipline for the original offense.
Step 6

Are they seeking negative attention? For some kids, negative attention is better than no attention at all, especially if they're hurting or lonely, or feeling distant from a parent. It's possible that your child is acting out because they don't know any other way to get your attention or tell you what they need. Talk to them to find out why they are behaving this way, if there are any problems they're facing that they need to discuss with you. Try to really listen and understand where they are coming from. They need to know that you love and care about them unconditionally, more than anything else in the world.
Step 7

Are they disobeying you because they're afraid of whatever you're asking? If your child is truly fearful of getting a shot at the doctor's office, punishing them is not going to help them be less afraid. Help your child overcome their fear by offering comfort and support, while clearly explaining which behaviors will not be appropriate. Again, the purpose of discipline is to teach. For instance, being afraid is OK, but kicking the doctor is not.
Step 8

You've looked at all the circumstances, determined that your child knows exactly what is expected and why, and tried multiple methods, but still the negative behavior persists. Before trying any new discipline method, make sure your child has a firm foundation of absolute confidence in your unconditional love. We are trying to curb a destructive behavior, not tell the child that he/she is bad, unlovable, or that there is something wrong with them. Let them know that you love them no matter what they do, and that no matter which discipline methods you choose, the purpose is to instruct and protect them.
Step 9

Always give fair warning. Hauling off and suddenly striking a child out of anger or frustration is abusive and inappropriate. Let them know exactly which behaviors will earn them a smack on the butt. For instance, "We've told you repeatedly not to do 'X', and you continue to disobey. We've tried 'A', 'B', and 'C' to teach you, but it seems now that you need a stronger reminder. So this is a warning: if you do 'X' one more time, you will be spanked." If you've been firm to follow through on previous discipline methods, they have every reason to believe that your warning is real, and that alone should be enough to make them stop and think. (If you haven't been firm in the past, that's exactly why your previous methods didn't work. Go back and try them again, and this time, follow through and stand your ground!)
Step 10

If the destructive or dangerous behavior continues after a warning, do not react hastily. Send the child to their room until you are completely calm and cool. When you go into the child's room, explain that you gave them a warning, and now you must follow through in order to remind them not to repeat this behavior.
Step 11

A spanking should not cause more than temporary discomfort or redness of the skin. A bruise, broken skin, or other injury indicates that you are spanking too hard, and can be justifiably defined as physical abuse.
Step 12

A spanking should only be applied to the buttocks or back of the upper thigh, where it is least likely to cause injury (an exception to this is a slap on the hand, but only use your hand. A spoon or other hard object can injure a child’s hand). NEVER slap a child in the face, pull or twist their arm, or use any other knee-jerk forms of physical violence against a child.
Step 13

Use as few swats as possible. For a first offense, one swat is sufficient. Give them another chance to change their behavior, and fair warning that if they cross this boundary again, it will mean two swats (no more than three).
Step 14

Follow up with love. After the swat, give them a few minutes to calm down, and then give them a hug and reassure them that you love them. You love them so much that you cannot allow this behavior to continue, and you will do whatever it takes to help them learn.
Step 15

If the destructive behavior still continues, seek another method, or even professional help. Do not persist in using an ineffective discipline method.

Comments

JudyFord said

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on 8/17/2009 As the parenting expert on eHow I would like to make it clear that I am against spanking in all situations. My workshops are entitled: Parenting with Love and Laughter and that is my approach. ❤

You might find my book, Wonderful Ways to Love a Child helpful.

pdeverit said

on 8/6/2009 Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational literature, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research. Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea: American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Center For Effective Discipline, PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals, Churches' Network For Non-Violence, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps, Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children, United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child. In 26 countries (and more in process), child buttock-battering is prohibited ...

on 8/6/2009 Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:

Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.

Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.

I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.

There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:

Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,

The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,

NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Leslie Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.