How to Reply to an Angry Email

Electronic communication has made it easier for people to communicate, to type up letters or memos and send them with lightning fast efficiency to one or many people. Unfortunately it has also made it easy for some writers to forget that they're speaking to another human being. These friends, relatives, bosses and coworkers type up words that they'd never dare to speak in person and send them off in a burst of anger. So how do you reply to an angry email and keep the situation from escalating?

Instructions

Replying to an Angry Email

1. Step away from the computer. An angry email will usually trigger your own anger and cause you to act irrationally. Take a deep breath and walk away from the situation until you feel you can look at it objectively. Never reply to the email right away. You don't want to send your own outraged response and make the situation escalate. Remember that the best way to respond is to try to diffuse the situation, not make it worse.

2. Identify what's true in the email. Does the writer have a reason to be mad? Did you do or say anything that legitimately offended him? It's important to be objective and not jump on the defensive when reading. Figure out why he's angry and how much of it is justified.

3. Evaluate what the writer got wrong. Did he misinterpret a letter you wrote or get the wrong information? Is she responding to a rumor? Are they both overreacting to a real problem and lashing out at you, even though you are innocent in the matter?

4. Put yourself in the writer's shoes. Imagine if you were working from the facts she has or thinks she has. How would you feel? What kind of response would you be hoping for? Often looking at the email from the writer's point of view can help diffuse the situation for you. Wouldn't you be angry if something you ordered never arrived? Wouldn't you be upset if you heard your friend lied to you about something important? Even if you think the person is wrong, or has questionable motives, putting yourself in her place will help you better understand where she's coming from and the best way to respond.

5. Verify all the facts and fix what you can before writing back. If a client at work is upset about not receiving a shipment, then find out what happened to it, and how quickly you can get the material there. If you were supposed to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress weeks ago and kept putting it off, then call the store and make an appointment. Being able to state in your reply that you've already taken action will go a long way to helping you resolve the issue with your client or friend.

6. Begin your reply with the positives. Tell the person what he was right about and how you understand why he was upset. Tell him what you've done to fix the situation. Apologize, if necessary.

7. Once you've softened him up with the positives, ease into telling him where he was wrong. Don't get emotional or confrontational. Don't stoop to name-calling or sarcasm, even if he did in his letter. Try to be as neutral as possible so he won't have any reason to react negatively. State your side of the issue. If it was a misunderstanding on his part, try to interject that you understand why he thought what he did. There's no sense making someone feel stupid if it was an innocent mistake. Your friend may be extra sensitive because he's going through a divorce or another friend has been lying to him. Consider where the person is coming from even as you're correcting his mistaken impressions.

8. Don't be afraid to give consequences. If a client has written an offensive email to you, filled with accusations and foul language, you don't have to continue the exchange indefinitely. Do what you can to resolve the issue for her. State in your reply that you have done all you can and if she insists on pursuing the matter, she can take it up with your supervisor. If you have the authority, tell her you won't continue doing business with her if she continues treating you with disrespect. The same is true for personal friendships. Make it clear that you won't continue to take abuse from anyone, and that you won't participate in an endless email argument. Be straightforward and adopt a neutral tone so it doesn't come off like a threat. Be careful not to make ultimatums you're not prepared or able to follow through on.

9. Be respectful and courteous in your email. Even if the writer didn't show you the same respect, don't take the bait. It's not a competition to see who "wins" by being the most obnoxious. Taking the high road will help you maintain a good reputation and it's particularly important in a work environment where you have to consider relationships with clients and your place in the company.

10. Remember there's a person on the other end of that email. Don't make the same mistake she might have made by firing off a letter without thinking first. Think about how permanent emails really are--they can be printed out, shared with others, saved on hard drives for years. Make sure you're prepared to stand by all of those words and don't write anything you think you might regret later.

11. Save records of the correspondence, particularly in a work situation. It's always easier to defend yourself later if you have proof of what went on before.

Tips & Warnings

• If you're finding it difficult to be objective, get a third party involved. If it's a friend, ask a spouse or relative for a fresh point of view. Try to avoid bringing in a mutual friend as this can lead to complications in both friendships. At work, if the email is offensive in any way, it's a good idea to notify a supervisor. He may want you to copy him on all further correspondence, or he may intervene. Try to handle smaller issues yourself, but be sure to keep copies of the emails for future reference.

Resources

• Find books on business etiquette at Amazon
• Pick up some tips for etiquette with friends at NY Magazine