How to Use Natural Consequences in Discipline

Stand firm and hold your ground.

The purpose of discipline is to teach your children so that they know which behaviors are inappropriate. As a parent, your job is to prepare your children to live and thrive in the world beyond your home, and the best way to do that is to let them learn from real-life experiences whenever possible. "Reality Discipline" is a method of discipline that uses real-life experiences as the best teacher. Instead of shielding your children from all the consequences of their actions, letting them experience the natural results of their behavior (within reason) can help teach them how to be responsible.

Difficulty:

Moderately Easy

Instructions

Things You'll Need

• Patience
• Creativity
• Ability to stand firm and hold your ground

1. Teach by example. Children are the world's greatest imitators, and they act out what they see their elders doing. When you make a mistake, own up to it, apologize, accept the consequences graciously, and let your children see that you, too, are human. That goes a long way to show them the reality that everyone makes mistakes and has to learn from them.

2. Don't protect or rescue your children from the natural consequences of their actions. Respect them to make choices, and accept the results of those choices. For instance, if you tell your children to hold tight to their balloons and not let go, the natural consequence if they disobey is that the balloons float away, and they don't get another one.

3. There's no need for you to yell, nag, argue or negotiate. Clearly explain the reason why the consequence is the result of their choice (or inappropriate behavior), and then stand your ground. If children know early on that no amount of arguing or screaming is going to make you budge, they'll eventually give up.

4. Stand firm. Experience is the best teacher, but it can also be a painful one. If you tell your children to eat their dinner and they refuse, they naturally have to wait until the next meal. They may whine, cry, and insist they're starving, but the only way to learn from their choice is to let real life teach the lesson, without your interference. Next time, they'll remember.

5. Don't micromanage. This includes nagging or constantly reminding children to do something. Otherwise, they'll become dependent on you to remind them or motivate them to get things done, and that's not how the real world works. Tell them once to do their laundry, and if they forget, the natural consequence is they have to wear dirty, smelly clothes to school. If that's not enough to motivate them, the next consequence is that they're not allowed to go anywhere else until their clothes are clean, because nobody wants to be around a smelly person. The key is to keep upping the ante until the circumstances are too uncomfortable for the offender to continue the behavior. Of course, you don't want to increase it so far that you put them in any sort of danger.

6. In cases where the natural consequence is too dangerous or impractical to allow (such as being hit by a car for running out in the street), try a "logical consequence" instead -- one that is directly related to the offense. A child who cannot be trusted not to dash out into the street, for instance, has to hold on to their parent's hand or belt loop the entire time they're out on their next outing.

Tips & Warnings

• For more info on Natural Consequences and Reality Discipline, try "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Dr. Kevin Leman, and "The Discipline Book" by Dr. William Sears and Martha Sears

• Don't make idle threats, or cave in when your children throw a fit. This will only encourage them to throw a bigger fit next time to get their way. Remember that the cop or teacher or boss or creditor they meet in the future will not cave to this pressure, and that's a hard lesson to learn as an adult.

References

• Focus on the Family: The Wonders of Reality Discipline

Resources

• Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours
• Have a New Kid By Friday
• The Discipline Book: Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age 10