How to Be a Good Co-Parent

After the divorce comes the hardest part... co-parenting. It's important that you and your ex build a strong, healthy co-parenting relationship for the sake of your children. It takes time, understanding, the ability to forgive and a LOT of patience but your children are worth it!

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• PATIENCE
• An Open Mind
• Did I say...Patience?

1. BOTH parents have to be willing to work together for the best interest of their children. The marriage may have ended but as long as you are alive you will be involved in one another's life. The first step is accepting that fact and agreeing to do whatever you can to create a healthy, civil relationship for the benefit of your kids.

2. Leave the past in the past. This is one of the hardest parts. It's so easy to throw up things that happened in your marriage but those things have no relevance in dealing with your children now. It's time to forgive and it's time to heal. It may take some time to get this down pat. Just remind yourself each time that you talk to your ex-spouse that the only tie you have to them now is your kids.

3. In the beginning keep your conversations with your ex as short as you can and only discuss your children if at all possible. It's best to continue all communications this way until the hurt of the divorce has healed and you're sure that you can control your emotions.

4. RESPECT your ex. Don't nag about his/her present life choices. As long as they aren't harming your children in any way what they do is none of your business. It may be tempting to ask, "So, what have YOU been doing these days?". It may also be tempting to say things like, "Wow, you're seeing HER?! What a dog!". Don't! Don't ask personal questions. Don't ridicule. Don't nag. Treat your ex-partner how YOU would want to be treated.

5. Agree not to fight, especially in front of your kids. This may seem a bit unrealistic but believe me, it's possible. It takes a lot of effort and patience on both parts but it CAN be done. Agree to disagree but in a calm manner. Instead of getting angry and foaming at the mouth when you have a problem with a decision being made try explaining calmly why you don't agree and offer another solution. If either of you feel yourself growing angry end the conversation and resume it another time.

6. CHOOSE your battles!!! This is probably the most important part of co-parenting. Not every issue requires a melt down or heated debate. THINK before you speak. Is it really going to hurt anyone if your husband allows the children to stay up an hour later when they're visiting him? Is it the end of the world if the kids eat pizza two nights in a row? No. Little things are NOT worth fighting about. I once got upset when my ex gave one of my sons a horrible home haircut. I threw a fit. Now that I think about it, all it did was cause weeks worth of anger and stress. Hair grows back ... it's not a life or death mistake. Learn to let things go.

7. Even if something happens that you don't particularly like and you choose to make it a battle... don't make a huge dramatic production out of it. Calmly state how you feel, explain why, ask that it not happen again and try to let it go. If it DOES happen again... that's the time to be more assertive. In most cases it probably won't come to that.

8. Let your children know that you are working together as parents and that you won't be played against each other. It's common for children to be angry after a divorce and often times they will actually try to cause conflict between their divorced parents to gain attention or to get their way. Make it very clear that this behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. A good way to explain this to kids is to say that even though you are no longer a family living together that you're still a family unit and there are no different "sides".

9. Don't allow your children to say rude things and "tattle" on the other parent(for example, "I don't like dad anymore" or "Mom wouldn't let me play video games!"). Like I said before, children will often times use opportunities like this to invoke your pity and get their way. There's also a chance that the child feels the need to be on your "side" when around you (and will behave the same way with the other parent). If you trust your ex then you know he/she wouldn't do anything to harm the kids ,again, make it clear that there are no "sides" and unless they are being harmed or neglected that you do not want to hear complaints about the other parent.

10. Never ask your children questions about your ex's personal life if it doesn't pertain directly to the children. Again, it's none of your business for the most part and asking your children about such things only puts them in the middle... and that's not good for anyone.

11. Never badmouth your ex to your children. This is a major no no! You may not love your ex anymore (although I suggest never saying that to your child. It may give them the impression that since you stopped loving mommy/daddy you can stop loving them too) but your child does ... and you have to understand and respect that. Always try to point out the positives about your ex. Say things like, "Your mom makes the best meatloaf!" or "Your dad is a wonderful mechanic." Chances are your child will repeat what you've said to the other parent and knowing that you had something nice to say will make your spouse more likely to do the same.

12. Try to agree upon a set of rules that you can implement in both homes. Structure and consistency is very important for children and it will help eliminate arguments over how the kids should be raised.

13. Make all major decisions about your children's lives together. Never leave the other parent out of the important things or there's bound to be trouble.

14. ALWAYS ask yourself what's best for your child. A lot of times we make choices based on what we think is best for our children when those decisions are actually clouded by what WE want. For instance it's mom's weekend with the kids but dad REALLY wants to take them camping and the kids REALLY want to go. Mom's initial instinct is to say no. It's HER time, after all, and even though she has nothing planned for the weekend ... she wants the kids with her. Well, when you stop and think about that, it's just silly. Why make the children miss out on fun, quality time with dad just to prove a point? Why not switch weekends? Again, it comes back to compromise.
    I'm not suggesting you always give in or always let the kids make decisions. I'm just suggesting that you take a look at the REAL reasons you make the choices you do.

15. When and if a step-parent becomes involved you HAVE to let feelings of jealousy go. It may feel impossible to do this but it's a must. What worked for me was finding good things about my ex-husband's new wife. It was very hard and took about 8 months but I finally realized that as long as she treated my kids well. ..I had no reason to dislike her.
    
    Put yourself in your spouses shoes. Do you want to be alone forever? Eventually people move on and develop other romantic relationships. You can't expect your ex-spouse to be okay with your new significant other and treat them with respect if you can't do the same for them.

16. Don't worry that the step parent is trying to take your place. No one can ever replace you as a parent. Assuming he/she is a good step parent try to tell yourself that you and your children are lucky. Your ex-spouse COULD have married someone who abuses, neglects or even resents your children. A step parents is just one more person who will grow to love your child and that's a GOOD thing!

17. Show appreciation to your ex when they do something great. Be kind and always friendly. Smile and speak in soft, calm tones.

Tips & Warnings

• Forming a civil co-parenting relationship will not happen overnight. In fact, it took me about a year to learn all of these lessons. My divorce was messy and I'm sure my ex-husband would agree when I say we had the divorce from HELL. We fought like mad dogs ... until we saw how horribly it was affecting our two children. After that we made the decision to get along (because it IS a decision) and I'm proud to say that we have not even had a SMALL "fight" in about a year. Not only do my children benefit from this...we all do. Life is a LOT more relaxed and stress free these days.
• These tips will be helpful assuming you are 100% sure that your ex-spouse and his/her new partner would never harm or neglect your children.
• Always allow your children to talk or vent when they need to, however, it's important to be supportive of the other parent at the same time. This is why I suggest frowning on rude comments about the other parent.
• Of course these aren't the ONLY ways to have a great co-parenting relationship... these are just some things that really helped improve mine.
• Oh, and if you actually took the time to read this and like it...please rate it! lol I put my heart into it!
• If your child brings the same complaint to your attention more than once it's probably a good idea to check into it.

[sunnyglitter]

on 8/5/2009 Step 15 and Step 16 took me forever, but now I like my daughter's dad's wife better than him! LOL I don't know why this article was rated so poorly, but I give it 5*

[nick582]

on 6/17/2008 sounds good to me. Annie