How to Argue With a Spouse

The goal of arguing is not to win an apology, it is to establish a solution so that another arguement is not necessary.

Arguing with a spouse can be difficult for many reasons. No one likes to be wrong, and it is particularly hard to hear someone you love and respect insist vehemently that you are misguided or mistaken. In fact, the major reason that many spousal arguments deteriorate into character attacks and rehashing of old issues is simply because criticism from a loved one is too hard to bear. However, sometimes you simply will not agree with your spouse--whether you are right or not--and if the two of you are not able to focus and argue productively then you may end up overlooking or neglecting important things in your lives and your marriage. In this article, we will discuss how to argue with a spouse.

Things You'll Need

• Notepad
• Paper

Instructions

How to Argue With a Spouse

1. Write down the issue before you begin the discussion. This way both of you will be clear about what you are discussing. This step alone can sometimes resolve an argument because it requires both people to take a step back from their emotions to determine exactly what they are in disagreement about. Many times you will find you are not even talking about the same issue even though you appear to be fighting about it.

2. Make a list of three reasons that your side is right. If there are more than three reasons, choose the best three. Your goal is to be persuasive, not overwhelm your spouse with exactly how right you are.

3. Make a list of three things that you are annoyed about. Be honest here. This is not for your spouse to read unless you want them to. This is to help you figure out exactly why you are mad. It may be that you are actually angry because the two of you have not been spending time alone together, but what you are arguing about is whether or not he should take the kids to visit his parents. If you can identify the real reason that you object to something, it will help you become happier and get your way.

4. 

   Listen carefully. Make sure that your spouse is done talking before you begin, even if they say something that is completely off base or even unfair. Address the issues as they arise, but wait to do so until you are certain that your spouse is done. This will help you keep calm and give your words more weight because it will be clear that you have considered them.

5. Stay in the present. Do not bring up past injuries or insults, even if you feel that they have not been resolved to your satisfaction. The only time that you can bring up the past is if the past is the real reason that you are angry. In a situation like that you must be honest but fair. You should say something like, "I know that it's been several weeks since you forgot our anniversary, and I know that you felt very badly and did _______ to make up for it. But I am still feeling sad that you overlooked such an important date and it is making me extra sensitive when it comes to things that involve us spending time apart." In this way, your spouse will not feel that you are attacking them directly, but will at least have a chance to try and rectify the situation. If there is something that you know would make you feel better, tell them at this time so that you two can resolve the past issue and then determine if there even is a problem in the present.