How to Rebuild After an Affair

It is possible to regain trust and intimacy after a relationship has been marred by infidelity. However, you will both have to work hard to create a satisfying relationship again. Here are seven ways to begin to rebuild following this devastating heartbreak.

Difficulty: Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• A trained marriage counselor
• Books
• Supportive friends who can listen
• Time

1. Acknowledge the Affair.
   Whether it is a cyber affair or a relationship with a coworker, straying partners need to come clean about the nature of the extramarital affair. The specific details are not important, the fact that an affair took place is. Acknowledge the truth to each other so that the healing and rebuilding can begin.

2. Stay or Leave.
   It’s natural to feel ambivalent about staying or leaving. In order to make that life-altering decision it is necessary to ask yourself the big questions: What do you expect from love? What makes a good relationship? Can you both create a happy relationship? What changes need to be made? Are the two of you willing to grow and change? Decide whether you will leave and forge ahead on your own or join your partner in rebuilding a bond that serves you both. Whatever you decide, do not push the affair out of mind and hope it will go away.

3. Limit Venting.
   Do not engage in an anger/pain free-for-all. Don’t dump it daily. Be honest about your hurts and pain but do it in a timely manner. Be respectful about what you say. If you constantly unleash rage in a verbal attack that will make matters worse instead of better. When you need to address grievances or talk about the infidelity, schedule 30 to 60 minutes each day to discuss the issues.

4. Accept Responsibility.
   An affair is a symptom of a disconnection. Each person must accept an appropriate share of responsibility for what went wrong. For example, perhaps the two of you have grown apart by not sharing mutual interests. By taking a closer look at your part in the disconnection, together you may be able to jumpstart the healing process. When you are accountable for what part you contributed to the heartbreak, you’re demonstrating a commitment to making your relationship more satisfying.

5. Keep the Kids Out of It.
   Arrange child care with a family member or friend. Tell them that Mommy and Daddy need adult time to talk. They will be upset and know something is wrong, but you don't want to burden them with details.

6. Stop Pointing Fingers.
   Remember, both partners are wounded. There is enough pain to go around so don’t add to it by blaming each other. Pointing fingers doesn’t heal or solve anything. Consider the affair a reflection of a disconnection between you. With the focus on what got you to this point, you will be more likely to find the tools for repair.

7. Seek Counseling.
   If you're committed to weathering this storm, it’s advisable to seek professional guidance to navigate through rough spots that are ahead. A trained professional adds a realistic perspective to the hurt and anger and can provide direction for the discussions.

Tips & Warnings

• Read these books: "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring Ph.D. and "True Love" by Daphne Rose Kingma.

[yavonne]

on 10/4/2009 my husband had a "cyper affair" he even joined a singles dating online service. as far as i know, he's never done anything physical but it has broken my trust regardless. he is the only person in my life i've every trusted. our children are devasted.please help, where do i start to work through this. i can't even look him in the face.

[look4writing]

on 9/22/2009 Interesting that you provide in your, Tips & Warnings
Books to aid the subject of your article. Affairs
I'm going to try that.. 5s from l4w and a recomend