How to Handle a Tween's Tantrums

Take a deep breath. Are you getting a preview of those teenage years when your child is only nine- to 12-years-old? Especially beginning with nine-years-old, perhaps a third grader, these tween times can shock the parent a bit; she wonders if this might not be a taste of what is to come. In the meantime, some basic tried and true tips may help parents deal with the slamming door syndrome. Read on to learn how to handle a tween's tantrums.

Instructions

1. Knock on her door, after a reasonable amount of time. You know your individual child. Privately ask her to explain more clearly how she feels but discourage any yelling or out-of-control behavior. If she is ready to talk, allow her to express her point of view calmly and respectfully while you listen. You can have your say afterwards in an equally calm and respectful manner. Neither party should shout, or use hurtful language or sarcasm.

2. Make eye contact. He may not be ready for more than that yet, but try to look him in the eye while either of you is talking. When it is your turn, repeat what he has said in order to confirm it before taking your turn to speak. There is a good chance that he will want to clarify your interpretation of the situation, or your assumptions of what is true.

3. When you (the parent) have spoken, and have had your say--gently but firmly--make sure you are open and ready to discuss things further if a reasonable compromise makes sense. Try to remain friendly and willing to help, but make your expectations clear. Also, remain clear on what you find unacceptable. After all, you are there for her no matter what. But remember that you are the parent and, ultimately, what you decide is what she has to abide by.

4. Stay open to any little physical sign that things are getting better. A pat or a hug from either of you, or ideally both, would be a reassuring conclusion to the episode. Additionally, you could do something together like play a game, walk the dog or bake to try to bring things back to normal and restore a comfort level in the communication. This would be a sign that something has been learned from the episode, and everyone is moving on.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember that if you need to institute serious (to the tween) consequences that upset her, you may need to wait longer for any sense of peaceful compromise to settle in. Let the cold shoulder or silent treatment begin. But the process will work itself out. Ultimately, the child will respect the parent more for caring enough to have consequences.