Step1
Remember that love is infinite. Children especially have a boundless capacity for love. There is room in their hearts to love their natural parents and stepparents deeply. Likewise, stepparents are fully capable of loving stepchildren as their own.
Step2
Do not get competitive. Whether you are the ex-spouse or the new stepparent, do not compete with the children or any other person in your spouse’s life. Every individual is unique and even the youngest child will build independent relationships with – and opinions of – every person in her life, and there is room for everybody.
Step3
Be empathetic. Remember, children of divorce have been through, and will continue to go through, some serious emotional trauma. They likely will behave in ways they would not have, had the primary family remained intact. Sometimes their behavior appears to change for the better; other times, it appears to be much worse. Either way, having empathy for their struggles will go a long way toward a positive stepparent experience.
Step4
Avoid defensiveness. Hurt kids often are – or appear to be – angry kids. They might push your buttons with statements like, “You aren’t my dad!” or “My mom doesn’t do it that way!” Remember, lashing out like this is normal and allowing children to work through their feelings without taking them too personally will go a long way toward helping them to feel safe to trust new people in their lives.
Step5
Give reverence to the natural parent. Whether you are the ex-spouse or the stepparent, never bash the parent who is not present. While it might be tempting, especially if the divorce was messy, it will serve to alienate you from the children to some degree. Children will naturally protect their parents, even when they are angry with them. Divisive tactics will not work in your favor. Everybody has some positive traits. Focus on those, while working on forgiveness and empathy every day.
Step6
Honor your spouse. Show your children how you feel about your spouse. If you are the natural parent, it lets the children know that the stepparent is here to stay and that you love this new person in your life. If you are the stepparent, it helps children to feel secure in the new relationship and trust that this new person is not going to disappear from the scene.
Step7
Love stepchildren as your own. Again, love is infinite. For stepparents in particular, although the children already have their natural mother or father, that does not mean you have to limit the love you make available to them. Loving a child as your own means doing so even when he or she makes you furious or drives you crazy. Be expansive and giving with love. There is plenty to go around.
Step8
Make decisions with your spouse about discipline. If you are a stepparent entering into an established family with principles and practices in place, you might wonder if you have a right to any opinion at all. This is when it is crucial to make the effort to communicate with your spouse about your beliefs and to negotiate how you will handle parenting decisions. Avoid discussing parenting decisions in the heat of the moment or when the kids are around, but do not avoid the discussions altogether.
Step9
Present a united front. All parents have at least a few disagreements about how to raise children and co-parenting with a stepparent is no different. It is important for the parental unit to present a unified, albeit flexible, front, so that the children can feel secure in the bond of the relationship and the principles of the family unit.
Step10
Be patient. Every parent knows that parenting is often a one-way emotional street. For stepparents, this can be even truer. Sometimes, it takes months or years to gain the trust of a child who has been through the emotional ringer, even if you are the greatest person in the world. Patience will serve everyone well, especially if you are dishing out expansive love – and loving the child as you would your own.
Novice 
