How to Talk to a Dying Friend
Thank God I'm not an expert on dying people. However, I have lost several dear friends, who died of cancer at very young ages. I have come to realize that they are frightened and sometimes angry, understandably so. However, they very often also feel isolated and alone, even when the ones they love are near at hand. This is mostly because few friends or family members want to address the issue of their illness, even though its presence fills the room like a 500-pound gorilla. Here are some things you can do to help talk to a dying friend.
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Instructions
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Don't try to fix anything. You can't. All you can do is fluff a few pillows, tell a few stories, read or just sit in the room and watch television or play board games together.
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Don't throw on a hale-and-hearty bluff attitude and tell your friend, "Hey, you're looking great. You'll be up and about in no time." If this person is terminal, yes, there are always possibilities that he or she may recover, but such comments block the possibility of any real conversation.
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Be honest. This friend didn't become an idiot and the last thing he or she probably needs is to be patronized and lied to. Of course, there is no need to bring a lot of bad news into the room every day, but try to be honest, especially about the reality of their illness.
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Listen. Very often, your friend may want to talk about his or her illness, fears or plans. Listen and ask questions.
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If you are uncomfortable about the situation (and you most likely should be), tell your friend. Say something this: "I really don't know what to say here. I'm very uncomfortable. Of course, I suspect you are too."
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Ask questions that let your friend open up and talk if he or she chooses. I had one friend simply tell me, "John, I'm dying." That stopped me dead in my tracks. After I jokingly replied, "So, how's the rest of your day going?" we ended up spending a lot of time talking about his anger, his faith, his fears, and the cancer itself. Once we broached the subject, it was like unleashing a floodgate of needed conversation.
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Consider planning topics in advance, bringing news and other things to keep the conversation going. I would plan several evenings a week to just drop by and visit with one friend. I read portions of a book aloud and helped him write letters and get his affairs in order.
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Just be there. You do not need to talk all the time about the illness or the world in general. Nor is it your job to cheer up your friend or entertain her. Sometimes it's just the companionship that is most appreciated. Sit and watch a favorite television show together or read by yourself in the room.
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Pray together. Anyone who is dying is thinking about the afterlife. Even if your friend showed no religious interest in the past, that could change as death approaches. Offer to pray together. Or find relevant, spiritual books to share and read. After all, on one hand, death is a terribly personal and unique thing; but on the other, everybody who has ever lived either has done it or will do it. Find books that address the subject.
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Do not walk away because YOU are having a hard time dealing with the situation. You do not need to be a 24/7 companion. If you do reduce your visits, decrease them to once or twice a week and stay for only 30 minutes or so. But do not abandon your friend at the very time he or she needs you the most. Good luck.
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