How to Talk to a Widower

Talking to a man who has lost his life partner can be extremely awkward; it's difficult to know what to say. This is especially true if you haven't been in the situation yourself or are lacking in empathy. But you can have a successful conversation with a widower by employing good listening skills, acknowledging the pain and making sure your friend knows his feelings are safe with you.

Instructions

1. Acknowledge that something has happened. Specifically, your friend or relative has lost his wife. Express empathy and say to him, "I'm sorry for your loss." Avoidance and brushing over the situation are common because people can feel unable to help or to express feelings appropriately.

2. Offer to listen whenever he wants to talk. Look him straight in the eye when you say this. Repeat it so he understands that you're serious and not just trying to have something to say.

3. Call him and ask how he's doing and if he needs anything. Then shut up and just listen. This is harder for some people to do as gaps in the conversation grow. But just wait in silence to allow him the space he needs to start talking.

4. Ask him how he's coping with his loss and if he's incorporated any new habits, good or bad. If he hasn't joined a support group, see if he's interested in doing so, especially if any negative patterns are forming (e.g., drinking, drugs, promiscuity).

5. Invite him out. Everyone deals with grief in their own terms. Some widowers become extremely active and others shut down. Some incorporate more people into their lives and some isolate. Keep inviting him and reminding him that you're there, even if you've had six months of rejections. In time, he'll hear what you've been saying.

6. Talk about yourself in a normal way. It's easy to think that you need to be there for someone and not talk about yourself at all. If you've offered your ear and your friend isn't in the mood to talk about his feelings, it's OK to continue to live your life and involve him as you normally would.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't suggest that the widower remarry or "get out there" at least for the first year. He's in his own grieving process. He'll come to that point when he's ready for it.