How to Tell a Spouse You Want a Divorce

It's not easy to tell a spouse your marriage days are numbered.

Your marriage is a far cry from when you first got together. It’s an even farther cry from happy. In fact, you don’t even know where your spouse is half the time. What’s worse, you don’t care. When things fall apart and cannot be put back together, it may be time for a husband and wife to go their separate ways. But you don’t have to go out the door hating each other. You can tell a spouse you want a divorce in a cordial, courteous manner with a few simple steps.

Instructions

Getting a Divorce

1. Make sure your spouse is the first to know, says Trish Robb, who wrote many articles for the on-line advice site divorce360.com. Don’t banter to your hairdresser, girlfriends or the guy you meet on the street until you’ve told your husband first. No spouse should hear the information second-hand.

2. Find a good time to sit down and talk, telling your spouse that you have something very important and life-changing to tell him. Pick a time where you are both calm, attentive and have a moment to really listen to each other. Rushing out the door for work and during a fight are not those times.

3. Lead up to your big announcement. Think of a lead-in as an intro so he’s not totally floored when you say the “D” word. “We’ve not had the greatest relationship for quite sometime” is an example of how you might begin.

4. Lay it on him-gently. Once you’ve cushioned the way by reminding him your marriage has been less than glorious, say it straight but still be kind. “I think we should get a divorce,” sounds gentler than “I want a divorce.” Robb stresses kindness, to lessen the shock. No matter how unhappy you may be, your spouse may have no idea a divorce is coming, Robb states.

5. Explain your reasons. Once his jaw stops dropping, tell him you know it’s the best thing for both you, based on some examples from the last few years of your loveless marriage. Note that he never comes home from work anymore. You haven’t had sex, or even kissed, in more than a year. You take separate vacations and avoid each other on weekends. You already have separate bedrooms.

6. Listen to his side. Ask him what he thinks; if he agrees it’s the best thing. Even if he doesn’t agree, that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward with your divorce. But at least you’ve shown some courtesy.

7. Seek divorce counseling through mediation. When emotions are high and resolutions seem impossible, a mediation session with a disinterested third party can help iron out difficulties and questions of assets and custody before you have a gavel smashing down in court, suggests Janice Starr, Esq., a mediator based in the New York-New Jersey area.

Tips & Warnings

• Be honest. Now is the time to air your grievances, but you can do so in a kind way. Rather than saying, “You neglect me, you jerk,” you can say something along the times of, “I feel neglected when you don’t come home.”

• Don’t fall prey to his promises to change, unless you really think he will and deserves another chance. Go through with the divorce if you know in your heart it’s the right thing.

• Don’t think you have to have immediate solutions to hurdles he may immediately bring up, such as who gets the house or what happens to the kids and who ends up with custody of the steer skull over the mantle.

• Don’t make it harder by topping off your proclamation with, “And I’m going to take you for every penny you've got.”

Resources

• Helpful tips for all aspects of divorce from Divorce360.com