How to Address Problems With a Stepparent

You feel helpless and deserted. You have a problem with your step mom (or dad). One of your parents is so wrapped up in a new relation that your problems fall on deaf ears and your other parent just keeps doing the "I told you so" thing. You've had years to learn how to deal with problems with your parents but how do you deal with this new person who tries to act like your parent -- or, worse yet, ignores you? The advice given in this article may sound like it's too ideal a way to go about solving a problem but it's proven to work in blended families.

Instructions

1. Accept the fact that this person is not going away. The biggest mistake we make in dealing with step parents is to assume that our relationship with our re-married parent is more important to him than the new relationship. The reality is that your parent hopes that the "new" relationship with another adult will last a lifetime. His relationship with you is one of letting go so that you can go to school, get a job and start your own family. Your parent loves you and your step parent wants you to like her. A "win-lose" attitude on your part will just cause more tension and grief than you--or any of your parents--have already been through.

2. Examine your problem-solving skills. What kind of relationship do you have with your "real" parents? How do you solve problems with them? If you discuss them openly and are willing to compromise, you're on the right path. But if you use manipulation or tantrums to get what you want, these tactics will probably not work with a step parent who doesn't have that biological bond that makes them slaves to your love. If you rely on manipulations and tantrums, maybe it's time to stop acting like a child with your grown ups.

3. Engage your step parent when she's not busy and when her spouse isn't around. A late-night chat during the holidays starts you on the road to understanding and gives your step parent the security of knowing you're reaching out. Believe it or not, she feels more insecure about your relationship than you do. The groundwork for understanding is laid in these informal chats. Use the time to get to know her and extend a hand of friendship.

4. Once you feel comfortable talking to your step parent, bring up your issue. Remember, you know the secret ground rules of your family better than he does. Rather than accusing him of doing something "wrong", ask him to help you understand why some things have changed. He'll welcome the opportunity to share his ideas and learn about what you expect from a parent.

5. The best way to deal with a problem is always to talk to the person with whom you have the problem. The parent who is not present can be supportive or cause mischief but she can't solve your problem. The parent who's present will either get defensive or try to "manage" the problem and, generally, muddle it further. Unless you have really exceptional parents, they each have their own points of view about your problem, neither of which focus on you but rather on the shortcomings of another adult.

6. Don't be afraid to have an argument, providing your goal is to ultimately reach a compromise or solve the problem. An argument is not a tantrum and it's not violence. It's an expression of frustration, generally based on one party's inability to get a point across and the other's refusal to back off and try to find another way to communicate. We argue because we care. We suffer in silence when we don't.

Tips & Warnings

• If you have an adult that you trust that is not directly involved in your family (a counselor, pastor or teacher), ask for help deciding what to do.

• If you want to be treated like an adult (or even just a family member with full voting rights), behave like an adult. State your problem clearly, listen to the other side of the issue and attempt to work out a compromise.

• Accept that certain issues will never be subject to compromise. These are generally in areas that the adults consider to have a direct relationship to your health and safety. It's a parent thing. Your only hope is to convince them that YOU are responsible enough to deal with the risk THEY see.