How to Handle Teenagers with Older Friends

If you could pick your teenager's friends, you would not have to read this article right now. But unfortunately, this is not the way it works with teenagers. You might even feel like your kids pick the exact opposite friends, who you would pick for them. But all hope is not lost. Using common sense, respect, consistency, and love will help you make it through your children's teen years, even if you have teenagers with older friends.

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging

Things You’ll Need:

• patience

Handle Teenagers With Older Friends

1. Know your teenager well, and stay calm. Some teenagers may hang out with older friends because they were on a team in high school together when your teen was a freshman, and the other team members were seniors, for example. She has remained friends with these seniors, and this is common. Some teenagers are trustworthy, and others are less so. You know your child. What is her purpose for having older friends? Where did she meet these people? Can you trust your teenager to make good choices and have good judgement? These are all important questions to consider before confronting your child about her friends.
2. Work with your teenager to set rules you, as the parent, are comfortable with. Explain to your teenager that you are concerned about he or she hanging out with people so much older, and see if your teenager has any ideas on what rules and boundaries can be set up. You are in charge, but your teenager may have some ideas also. This doesn't mean you have to follow his or her ideas, but you can consider them when you are deciding how to handle your teenager with older friends.
3. Explain the older friends can come over or go places with your family, but your teen can not go out with this person alone. This is one way to handle the situation. If the older person really wants to be friends with your teenager, he or she will accept these boundaries. This doesn't mean you have to be in the exact room with your teenager and his friend at all times, but it means you should be home and awake. This is also a way to deal with this problem without forbidding your teenager to see the older friends. Forbidding teenagers often causes rebellion and sneakiness.
4. Figure out why your teen has older friends, and see if there is some need that is not being met for your teen. If you answered the questions discussed in step 1, you may have already figured out the reason for your teenager's older friends. Is your teenager mature or interested in topics other teens are not? If you live near a large city, there is probably a teen group for almost any hobby imaginable. It might be harder if you live in a rural area to find teenagers who are interested in every hobby, but you can always help your teenager to start a new group at his or her school or through the library.
5. Avoid threats or battles if at all possible. As mentioned in step 3, forbidding your teenager to see his or her older friends will probably not stop the situation. It is impossible for you to be with your teenager at all times. Your child may not like that you are setting rules such as their older friends can only come over to your house or go places with your family. But once your teenager has calmed down (and they almost always do), you can explain that it is better than not seeing this person at all, and they are more than welcome to hang out in the basement (for example) together and watch movies or play games.
6. Keep communication open between you, your teenager, and his or her friends. Talk to the older friend and get to know him or her as a person, not just as your teenager's friend. Again, all situations are different, and so it is important to know your teenager and his friends well. Don't just ask 20 questions, but offer information about yourself, too. No one likes to feel like they are under the microscope, but most people enjoy conversation.

Tips & Warnings

• Remember, you are the parent. Most likely, you are paying for your teenager's room, board, clothes, car, activities, and so on. If at all possible, try NOT to remind your teenagers of these monetary facts because it usually makes them angry. But keep this in your mind, and use it to your advantage when you are talking to your teen about her older friends.
• Never give your teenager too much privacy, but show respect for his space and belongings. If he gives you a reason to distrust him, then you can explain that you will need to look through his belongings. Many parents wish they would have done this AFTER a tragedy occurs.
• Don't make punishments or consequences you can not keep. For example, if you can not drive your teenager to school each day, and there is no bus, then don't take away her car.