How to Get Over an Ex in 7 Steps

Reflecting on what went wrong

Healing from a broken relationship is never easy, but it can be done. Whether the relationship was everything you ever wanted, or everything you didn't want, the healing process after it ends remains the same. In order to truly heal, allow yourself to go through these seven steps. Although the process will be painful, each step will help you let go of sadness, anger, bitterness and other negative emotions. As you move forward, you will find, too, that by doing the work involved in healing, there are new chances for personal growth and lasting change.

Instructions

1. Identify your losses. Along with every lost relationship come other losses as well. Some of those losses may be concrete; for example, after a divorce you may have lost things such as your home, your car, your mutual friends. Other losses may seem vague and intangible. These could include things such as innocence or trust in the other person, even the hopes and dreams that you once had about how your life would turn out. Every loss you experience matters. Sometimes the ones that you can't see, touch or feel are the most painful of all. Make a list of all the things that you feel you have lost. Take as much time to write this list as you need to, and include everything that comes to mind, from the big things to the ones that may seem "less important."

2. Grieve your losses. As you go over your list, take whatever time you need to grieve each and every loss that you have written down. New thoughts and feelings may emerge as you go through this process. Write down other losses as you identify them. This is a difficult and painful process. It doesn't happen all in one night, but rather takes time to truly complete. By having the courage to experience the sadness and pain, you are also working through it and coming to terms with it, and someday you will find that you are finally able to let it go. Although many people try to skip the grieving process, the sooner you are able to face it, the sooner you will be able to move forward. As you go through your list and experience the grieving process, remember that the time will come when you no longer feel the need to grieve these things. Because you are willing to face your losses now, there will be less chance of holding on to it and carrying it with you into future relationships.

3. Release your anger. Anger is a natural emotion, especially in situations where another person has hurt you. Unhealthy relationships can leave people feeling angry and bitter. If you were lied to, if your trust was abused or if you felt taken for granted or devalued, either before or during the breakup, anger will most likely be an issue that you need to deal with. Acknowledge your right to be angry. Anger itself is not a destructive emotion. It is only when people refuse to face their anger that they begin to act inappropriately when it surfaces. Find constructive ways to release angry feelings. Journal your anger. Start by writing as many sentences as you can that begin with "I am angry because...." Anger can often be released through physical activity. Jog, ride a bike, use a punching bag, take up kick boxing or self-defense. You might also find a healthy outlet for your anger in music, dance or through painting and drawing. Release the anger in ways that will not harm you or anyone else.

4. Learn from your mistakes. Once you have gone through some of the grieving and have found healthy ways to release your anger, the time will come when you need to examine the broken relationship. Try to identify the factors that led to the breakup. Ask yourself, honestly, what you could have done differently. Take responsibility for your mistakes, and evaluate your own behaviors in the relationship. You will be able to take what you learned from this step into future relationships, ensuring that you don't repeat the same mistakes again. Self-examination can be difficult. You may find that you feel regret and remorse for some of your actions. Acknowledge these feelings as well. Make a commitment to yourself to move forward and to learn from your mistakes.

5. Start a journey toward self-discovery. As you move through the process of healing, you will also need to explore answers to questions such as "Who am I now?" and "Where do I go from here?" Take time to get to know yourself. One mistake many people make after a relationship ends is almost immediately trying to find a new partner. Most experts suggest waiting at least one year before starting a new relationship. During this time, focus on healing, on learning and growing and on getting to know yourself again.

6. Enjoy old interests and explore new ideas. If you loved to paint or draw or dance before your relationship but gave it up because the relationship took up too much of your time, now is a great time to go back to doing those things. It's also an excellent time to do the things you've always wanted to do, such as learn to play the piano or go sky diving or cross-country skiing. Embrace your freedom. Pursue your interests. Make it a point to try new things and to follow old dreams.

7. Take good care of yourself. Many times when people are involved in romantic relationships, they tend to put the other person before themselves. Now is the time to focus on your own needs, wants and desires. Pamper yourself. Splurge a little on things you might have deprived yourself of in the past. Buy yourself flowers. Write yourself little notes of encouragement. Be your own best friend. At this point you will come to realize that although relationships are nice, you can be everything you ever needed, to yourself. By learning how to support, encourage and, yes, love yourself, you free yourself from the dependency of needing another person to do those things for you. As you become stronger and more sure of yourself, you may find that another relationship isn't what you really want or need. If you do decide to start dating, because you took the time to heal, to get to know yourself and to learn from past mistakes, you will feel confident about your own ability to be, or not be, in a relationship again.

Tips & Warnings

• Take as much time as you need to heal.

• Complete all the steps before beginning a new relationship.

• It may be difficult to face your mistakes in the relationship, but it is necessary to acknowledge them to heal completely.