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Step 1
Identify your losses. Along with every lost relationship come other losses as well. Some of those losses may be concrete, for example after a divorce you may have lost things like your home, your car, your mutual friends. Other losses may seem vague, and inconcrete. These could include things like innocence or trust in the other person, even the hopes and the dreams that you once had, of how your life would turn out. Every loss we experience matters. Sometimes the ones that we can't see, touch or feel, are the most painful of them all. Make a list of all the things that you feel you have lost. Take as much time to write this list as you need to, and include everything that comes to mind, from the big things, to the ones that may seem "less important."
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Step 2
Grieve your losses. As you go over your list, take whatever time you need to grieve each and every loss that you have written down. New thoughts and feelings may emerge, as you go through this process. Write down other losses, as you identify them. This is a difficult, and painful process. It doesn't happen all in one night, but rather it takes time to truly complete. By having the courage to experience the sadness, and the pain, you are also working through it; coming to terms with it; and someday you will finally find that you are finally able to let it go. While many people try to skip the grieving process, the sooner you are able to face it, the sooner you will be able to move forward. As you go through your list , and experience the grieving process, remember that the time will come when you no longer feel the need to grieve these things. Because you are willing to face your losses now, there will be less chance of holding on to it, and carrying it with you into future relationships.
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Step 3
Release your anger. Anger is a natural emotion, especially in situations where you have been hurt by another person. Unhealthy relationships can leave people feeling angry and bitter. If your were lied to, if your trust was abused, if you felt taken for granted, or devalued, either before or during the break-up, anger will most likely be an issue that you will need to deal with. Acknowledge your right to be angry. Anger itself is not a destructive emotion. It is only when people refuse to face their anger, that they begin to act inappropriately, when it surfaces. Find constructive ways to release angry feelings. Journal your anger. Start by writing as many sentences as you can that begin with "I am angry because...." Anger can often be released through physical activity. Jog, ride a bike, use a punching bag, take up kick boxing, or self defense. You may also find a healthy outlet for your anger in music, dance or through painting and drawing. Release the anger in ways that will not harm you or anyone else.
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Step 4
Learn from your mistakes. Once you have gone through some of the grieving, and have found healthy ways to release your anger, the time will come when you need to examine the broken relationship. Try to identify the factors that led to the break-up. Ask yourself, honestly, what you could have done differently. Take responsibility for your mistakes, and evaluate your own behaviors in the relationship. You will be able to take what you learn from this step into future relationships, ensuring that you don't repeat the same mistakes again. Self examination can be difficult. You may find that you feel regret and remorse for some of your own actions. Acknowledge these feelings as well. Make a commitment to yourself to move forward, and to learn from your own mistakes.
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Step 5
Start a journey toward self discovery. As you move through the process of healing, you will also need to explore answers to questions like "Who am I now?" and "Where do I go from here?" Take time to get to know yourself. One mistake many people make, after a relationship ends, is almost immediately trying to find a new partner. Most experts suggest waiting for a at least one year, before starting a new relationship. During this time focus on healing, on learning and growing, and on getting to know yourself again.
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Step 6
Enjoy old interests, and explore new ideas. If you loved to paint, or draw or dance, before your relationship, but you gave it up because the relationship took up too much of your time, now is a great time to go back to doing those things. It's also an excellent time to do the things you've always wanted to do, like learn to play piano, or go sky diving or cross country skiing. Embrace your freedom. Pursue your interests. Make it a point to try new things, and to follow old dreams.
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Step 7
Take good care of yourself. Many times when people are involved in romantic relationships they tend to put the other person before themselves. Now is the time to focus on your own needs, wants and desires. Pamper yourself. Splurge a little on things you might have deprived yourself of in the past. Buy yourself flowers. Write yourself little notes of encouragement. Be your own best friend. At this point you will come to realize that while relationships are nice, you can be everything you ever needed, to yourself. By learning how to support, encourage, and, yes, to love yourself, you free yourself from the dependency of needing another person to do those things for you. As you become stronger, and more sure of yourself, you may find that another relationship isn't what you really want or need. If you do decide to start dating again, because you took the time to heal, to get to know yourself, and to learn from past mistakes, you will feel confident about your own ability to be, or not to be, in a relationship again.
