Relationships are a relatively brand new phenomenon. In fact, up until the last 150 years, we didn’t form relationships based on love and intimacy. Instead we married for security--the right dowry, good teeth, good hips for child-bearing, the right social strata, among other reasons. It isn’t surprising then, that we are on a learning curve with regard to this new way of relating, or that we necessarily have to make mistakes as we grow. But getting objective about romance is difficult unless we have some criteria to go by. Read on to learn how to know if your relationship isn't working.
Know that the first of these criteria is the attraction or the feeling of love. We don’t decide to fall in love. Love decides to fall on us from out of our unconsciousness. And when it does, it brings with it all the other unresolved material that is in the unconscious. Does he act just like your abusive Dad? Is she condescending just like your Mom? Or is he a refreshing new breeze blowing through your life? Answering questions like these is an important first evaluative step.
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Understand that compatibility is the next criteria. But unlike friendships where compatible interests are the key ingredient, the compatibility of a partnership has to run much deeper. Here you want to consider whether or not you both see the relationship itself the same way. Some questions you might wish to ask are: Do you value relationship skills the same way? Do you see commitment the same way? Are you able to understand and accept each other without nudging or nagging for change?
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Keep in mind that in healthy relationships both parties have good relationship skills. Can he say, “I was wrong?” Can she say, “Let’s talk?” Is he able to take complete responsibility for his own feelings, thoughts and behaviors, or does he blame you for these? Is she able to show affection with sincerity? Can he be supportive, or is he mostly just critical? Is he able to reveal his emotions and thoughts candidly, or does he withhold information about these intimate areas of relating? Can you?
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Now its time to decide. Can you work on it? Is it over? Decide on healthy.
Tips & Warnings
If it is too difficult for you to be objective, seek a therapist to help you get clarity.
Experiencing happiness in a relationship requires work from both partners. A satisfying relationship is one that endures trouble and continues to grow....
nayla
Aug 02, 2008
Great article thanks! 5 stars