How to Use Discipline Instead of Punishment

There is a lot of controversy about the definitions of “discipline” and “punishment” and the place of each in parenting. The difference between the two is more than a subtle nuance, however, and parents who choose to discipline mindfully, without punishment, tend to be interested in guiding rather than controlling and coercing. This article is a general overview of one approach to guiding children, and is easily adaptable to more or less strict discipline preferences.

Instructions

1. Infants (children under 1 year) do not need any type of discipline. Love them, hug them, hold them and nurse them to promote bonding as well as to build security and confidence. Enjoy this precious time. Consider robust baby proofing your greatest tool for allowing crawlers to explore their new world safely.

2. Toddlers (1-3 years) do more significant exploring and begin to test parental and environmental limits. This testing isn't malicious or underhanded; toddlers simply work to determine the "rules" of the world and whether the rules are consistent. For example, "If I keep dropping this spoon, will it always go 'clink?' Will my mom keep picking it up? Where does it go?" While the child isn't consciously asking these questions, repetition and testing is part of the toddler learning process. Consistency is important at this age, as is distraction, removal from negative situations and paying attention to the toddler's state (hungry, tired, over- or under-stimulated). A firm "no" with redirection can work miracles. Taking some time together (a loving time-in rather than an punishing time-out) to reconnect, calm down and talk about distressing situations. Doing so can turn negative feelings into positive feelings for both parents and toddlers. Parents can begin modeling empathy and sharing, without forcing either, as children learn best by example.

3. Preschoolers (3-5 years) also need consistency, but can begin learning about negotiation, cooperation, compromise, conflict resolution and when/then scenarios, all skills that will serve them throughout their lives. Take advantage of the multitude of learning opportunities at the playground to help your child learn these skills, and model them as you discipline and guide your child to navigate the world. When / then scenarios (e.g., “When we get your car seat fastened, then we can go to the park” or “When we have cleaned up your toys, then we can paint”) can help children see how their choices now affect what they get to do later. Keep when / then scenarios as honest as possible and avoid using them as bribes or punishments. Teach children that the final decision is always yours and set consistent, firm limits when necessary.

4. At the elementary school ages and beyond, the fabulous reasoning and negotiating skills you have taught your child will come back to haunt you. In other words, your child might develop a penchant for pester power and try your patience at every turn. Now is a good time to discuss the differences between manipulation and negotiation and to let your child know that you will not tolerate manipulative tactics. You can also work with your child to develop consequences for undesirable behaviors that work for both of you, reminding your child that, ultimately, you are the parent and the buck stops with you. Still, involving the child in the process and having open conversations will further facilitate trust, mutual respect and, in turn, compliance.

5. Pre-teens are going through wildly fluctuating hormone cycles and are dealing with many confusing and conflicting emotions. They have their toes in the adult world, but they are just beginning to test the water. Parents will do best to support pre-teens in this difficult time, and consistency and reasonable limits are more important than ever. Pre-teens need to know that the boundaries are clear and that they can still rely on Mom and Dad to guide them through the nuances of behaviors that are acceptable and unacceptable. Renegotiate the consequences if necessary, but once you do, apply them consistently.

6. Adolescents require trust and privacy at a time when parents are most reluctant to give either. However, a solid parenting foundation up to this point will serve parents well. At this crucial transition point, the skills that parents have modeled for and taught to their teens will help them transition from external discipline (e.g. from the parents) to having self-discipline and skills to carry them throughout their lives. External limits and consequences become less and less important as the young adult matures, because he or she has the tools and the trust to carry forth with the values modeled in the home. Nevertheless, parental boundaries and consistency remain mainstays in the parenting toolkit.

Tips & Warnings

• Be a person that models the values you hope your adult child will share. Children model their parents even more than they listen to them.