How to Set Teen Curfews

As a Child Advocate, I have spent many years working with parents and teens who are facing difficult family situations. Helping families learn to negotiate, develop better communication skills and set reasonable boundaries, is not always an easy task, yet the efforts are well worth it. When struggling families are able to overcome the challenges in their lives, emerging from a difficult conflict with new insight and new ways of relating to one another, relationships within the family become healthier and stronger.One area where many families struggle is establishing a healthy curfew for teens. Often parents and teens strongly disagree with what is appropriate and what is not, when it comes to determining the time that a teen should be at home for the evening. Teens who feel family boundaries are too strict may become angry and rebellious, while teens whose family boundaries are too lenient may push their limits, to see just far they can go. Parents can take comfort in knowing that, no matter how difficult the situation may seem at the moment, there are some simple steps which can be taken to improve the circumstances and promote a more positive outcome.

Instructions

1. Consider your child as an individual. Resist the temptation to make statements like, "When your brother was your age..." or even worse "When I was your age..." Also avoid generalized statements, such as any phrase which includes the words "kids your age..." A teen's curfew shouldn't necessarily be determined by age alone, but also by his or her unique personality and character traits. Ask yourself how trustworthy your child is, how responsible and how mature. Teens will be able to appreciate and respect your decisions about curfews much more if they feel that you have based your decision around what you know about them, as an individual. What teens need to know is that parents see them for who they are, and that they are responding to them based on that, rather than on facts or ideas that they believe have little, or nothing, to do with themselves.

2. Listen to your teen. Find out what he or she thinks a reasonable curfew should be. Ask questions, and listen carefully to your child's responses. If your teen's idea of "reasonable" is totally unacceptable to you, you should still remain willing to negotiate through your differences, until the two of you can reach an agreement. Negotiating always involves 2 people presenting their different views regarding an issue, and then stating what they would like to see happen. Each person is then given equal time to talk through their ideas. The discussion continues until a reasonable compromise is reached. As an example, let's say that a parent had decided that their teen should be home at no later than 9:00 p.m. on school nights. The teen, on the other hand, believes that he should be able to stay out until 11:00 p.m. Both the teen and the parent are given the opportunity to share their views, discuss their concerns and respond to each others questions. During the negotiating period, each person is given the opportunity to talk, without interruption by the other party. After both sides have presented their ideas, and both people have been allowed to ask and answer questions, they are both able to see the others side more clearly. The parent may suggest that 9:30 p.m. would be acceptable, while the teen is willing to say that 10:30 p.m. would work for him. Eventually they settle on a 10:00 p.m. cufew, with the parent and teen both agreeing to "give it a try" for a given amount of time, to see how things work out. They may also agree to renegotiate in a month, if either of them has questions or concerns about the new curfew.

3. Be flexible. When negotiating a curfew with your teen be willing to bend, at least a little, in order to achieve a positive outcome. Setting an earlier curfew on school nights, and a later one on weekends is one option that works well for many families. You may also want to consider setting a later curfew on a "trial basis." This gives you time to see how well your teen handles the additional responsibility. It also lets your teen know that the privilege of a later curfew is really up to them. As long as they can prove to you that they are able to act responsibly, their later curfew privileges can continue. On the other hand, If you feel that your teen isn't handling the later curfew in a reasonable way, you can let him or her know that you want to return to the old curfew again, for a while. If you do feel the need to suspend curfew priveleges, let your teen know that you are willing to discuss the issue again in a few weeks or, at longest, a month. Another way to remain flexible with your teen is to be willing to extend normal curfew times for special events in your teen's life. If you set an earlier curfew than your teen would have liked, let him or her know that you are willing to discuss the specified time on a "case-by-case basis."

4. Be aware of your own emotions. The teen years are challenging for both parents and children. Your child's job at this time in his or her life is to grow, mature and become more independent. When dealing with "teenage rebellion" many times what we are also dealing with is a form of "parent rebellion." Think of it as Mom's or Dad's reluctance to allow their child to grow up. This is a normal parent response. One of the most helpful things a parent can do is to acknowledge their own feelings, not only to themselves, but also to their teen. "It's hard for me, sometimes, to see you growing up" is a simple way that parents can let their teens know that they are facing their own issues, in a responsible way. It is during this time in life, when their children are learning to act and function as young adults, that parents often struggle with their own identities, and find themselves needing to reevaluate their own roles in their child's life. For many parents this is a very difficult and emotional time. Being honest with your child about how you are feeling can go a long way toward building a closer relationship and reaching a positive solution to the curfew dilemna.