How to Share Child Rearing Responsibilities in a Marriage
Have you ever had an argument over who does what in regards to raising your kids? Changing dirty diapers, brushing teeth, singing songs or telling stories at bed time? Then this article is for you. Read on to learn how to share child rearing responsibilities in a marriage.
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Instructions
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Understand that a lot of problems we encounter while raising our children can be traced back to how things were done in our homes when we were children. For instance, some mothers always sang songs to their children before bed. So it might have been very “natural” for one parent to assume the other parent would sing the kids songs before bed. To reverse this cycle of assumption before it turns into a childish and heated argument, schedule a time to sit down as husband and wife and discuss your family traditions and/or personal expectations regarding raising children. If you can’t be cordial about it, grab a pen and paper and write down your ideas. Then share them with each other, listening intently as your partner talks. Take time to ask or explain why you envision yourself or your spouse singing the song, or other scenarios. As you go through this process, you might find just how ridiculous your preconceived assumptions really were.
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Write down all of the things you feel you do on your own in terms of raising children. Again, discuss these with each other, cordially. If it helps, make sure you are holding hands while you do, or cuddling. It is much harder to become or remain upset at your spouse when you are touching.
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Now swap lists. Go down each item and tell your spouse how you can help, or ask how they would like you to help. Be honest in your assessment of what you can do. Don’t automatically dismiss an idea simply because you work during the day. You chose to have kids, and by that choice alone you signed up for everything that goes along with it—even changing dirty diapers. This is especially true if your spouse is a stay-home mom or dad. They need a break. Rebuttal: “Yeah, but I do, too! I worked hard all day.” Answer: Playing with your kids, reading them stories is a break. While raising kids is hard work, do not fall into the dangerous trap of filing them away with the piles of paperwork on your desk. Note: Make sure you honestly assess why you are feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you need to schedule more time together in the evenings. Maybe you need an evening to yourself every so often, to go to the bookstore, listen to music, relax, etc. If that is the case, plan to help each other plan to help themselves on an as-need basis, or by scheduling a weekly or bi-weekly night off for each other.
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When you have gone back and forth (both parties will have to learn to give and take during this process), don’t set the “new responsibilities” in stone. Write them down, who will do what, then put them to work on a trial basis; maybe a week, or longer. Take time daily to analyze what is working or what is not. Change as needed and agreed upon.
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Communicate. Do not forget to communicate. Above all, these steps are for that purpose alone. As you step into the other person’s shoes for a bit, and open the lines of communication, you will find that it is much easier to say “Hey, honey, can you change his diaper real quick. I am doing this, or I need to do that.” And the person being asked to help will find it easier to say, “Yeah, not a problem.” And in the end you will find that while one person perhaps does one particular task more often (often because of schedules: one may work, the other may stay at home), you share the responsibility of these tasks and raising your children equally. In light of that, continue to mix it up. Maybe you sing songs to the kids on Mon, Wed, Fri, and your partner does on the other day. Be creative. But make sure you always remember, this is not about you. This is about your kids and your family.
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Have fun. Raising kids is hard work, yes, but it will be gone before you know it. Take time to pause and enjoy the time you have. One day you may look back and say ‘I sure do miss changing little diapers. These adult ones are killers!’
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Tips & Warnings
Don't forget you were once a kid, too. A child needs both parents--equally.
