How to Avoid Divorce

With the divorce rate in the United States at a staggering 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce, it appears that there has never been a more important time to reevaluate ourselves, our marriages, and the very things that once made us utter, with pleasure, those simple words, “I do.” In doing so, and by implicating the following steps, we will find the strength and courage and energy to fix our marriages for now and forever.

Difficulty:

Moderately Challenging

Instructions

1. Admit your marriage is not perfect. Admit it to yourself. Admit it to your spouse. There is no shame in saying this. All couples experience problems in their marriage to one degree or another.

2. Decide you are going to do what it takes to fix it.

3. Sometimes, depending on the circumstances and situations, your partner may not be as willing as you. Be patient and loving. Do not give up. If your spouse is distant or not willing, ask if you can share your feelings with them. Then do it—verbally or in writing—but share them from your heart.

4. Once you have admitted your marriage is struggling, and you are willing to do what it takes to make things right, schedule a time to sit down together. If you have kids, send them to grandma’s or find a babysitter and go to a place where you can be alone. If you have a cell phone, turn it off!

5. The pen is mightier than the sword, but the mouth can slay them all. During this scheduled “alone time,” do something you have not done together in a really long time, or something you used to do all the time. Hold hands! Put on some soft music and hold hands and gather your thoughts—for as long as it takes. Then take a pen and paper and make three columns. In the first column, write down the concerns you have for your marriage. In the second, write down your own short-comings, or how you contribute to those concerns. In the third, write down the things your spouse does that hurt or contribute to these problems.

6. When you are done writing these down, take your partner’s hand, then take turns sharing your thoughts and concerns. When it is your turn to listen, do not speak. Just listen. It will be extremely humbling, but so it should be.

7. When this is done, still holding hands, talk openly about what each of you can do to fix the items on your lists. Go down the list line by line, filling the back of the paper, or another paper with personal and family goals to combat your weaknesses.

8. Post these goals in your room, or somewhere where you can see them. Review them as often as needed; no less than daily. Review them together, taking time to critique yourselves (not the other person), and renew commitments to be better. If you need help, ask for it. If you think the other person might need help then ask them if you can share some ideas you feel might help.

9. Communicate! Look at your schedules and priorities. Force yourselves to turn off the TV, fold up the paper, put away your sewing machine—whatever—just do it and replace that time playing with your kids (if you have them), or spending time with each other—and talk! It may be uncomfortable at first, but remember you used to talk all the time. In addition, ask each other what you are thinking. Then be honest and prompt in your response. You will know when the other is not being honest. Your thoughts are often the result of feelings unsaid. Do not bottle them up.

10. Discuss these ways of showing love. Then incorporate them. Each morning or evening decide on something you can do for the other person to make their life easier during the day. Rather than ask ‘what can I do?’, just do something.

11. Decide whether or not your problems warrant the help of a parent, ecclesiastical leader, or professional. There is no shame in seeking outside help.

12. Compliment yourselves and each other constantly. Look back at the progress you have made as individuals and together. Get in the daily habit of saying ‘thank you’ and ‘good job!’

13. Choose to love. It takes work, everything important does, but when your car dies, your kids are grown and gone, and you retire from your job, it will be just the two of you. So start nurturing that most important relationship now.

14. Don't give up! Don't give up! Don't give up! You can do it!