How to Handle Co-Workers' Criticism of Working Moms

After months of pregnancy and an exhausting few months (or years) of maternity leave, you've returned to work. Whether you resume employment because you love your role as a career woman or because you need the income to provide for your family, chances are that your first weeks back on the job are marked by a host of emotions ranging anywhere from excitement to guilt. Many mothers find that they struggle to balance their love and commitment to their child's well-being with their want or need to work. As you deal with your own complex feelings about your role as a working mother, how do you handle co-workers' unwelcome criticism while still maintaining your professionalism?

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Easy

The Well-Meaning, But Still Very Unwelcome Critic

1. Remember that this particular colleague does usually have your best interest (and that of your child) at heart, despite how hurtful their comments may seem. This critic will most likely begin any comment they make with some reference to how lucky they were not to have had to work when their children were small, or that they just couldn't imagine letting someone else raise their babies. Keep in mind that what worked for them, or for their mothers, wives, etc. is only a different choice than the one you have made, not better. Lots of perfectly well-adjusted, secure adults have spent time in day care facilities while many maladjusted and destructive adults spent their entire childhood at home.
2. With that in mind, thank them politely for their concern, and deflect the comment with a polite response that acknowledges how important your child is and how seriously you have considered the decision to return to work. At the same time, the comment should indicate that you are making the best decision for your family, and their further scrutiny of your choice is not welcome. A response like this ought to gently remind this critic that you respect them as a colleague, but don't require their services as a parenting advisor. "Thanks, Pam, I know you had to make tough choices when you were raising your kids, too. I really appreciate your concern. We've sure spent a lot of time and energy deciding what's best for our family, and James just loves his new school! Now, back to business. Let's talk about those numbers you've been working on."
3. In the event that your initial rebuff does not put an end to this critic's comments, a more direct response is appropriate. "Well, Pam, it sounds like you disagree with my approach to parenting. Since that's not why we are here at the office, let's re-focus on work and leave my personal life off the table."
4. Because this critic is generally well-meaning, a trip to visit with his or her supervisor should be avoided if at all possible. However, if all your polite attempts to deal with the criticism fail, then schedule a time to rationally and calmly discuss the issue with someone who can force the issue.
5. Remember that your choice to work is yours alone to make. Your role as a mother is frought with opportunities for self-doubt without external criticism; you certainly don't need anyone else questioning whether or not you've done your best as a parent. Just remember to love your child and give them the very best of you when you are together. Whatever your reasons for working after having children, know that your family benefits from either the financial assistance you provide or from a mother who is fulfilled in all areas of her life.

The Not-So-Well-Meaning and Very Unwelcome Critic

6. Remember that this critic is in no way interested in what is best for you or your child, but is usually either truly convinced that women (and mothers, in particular) make poor colleagues or they are jealous and would like your position. This type of critic will publicly call attention to any faults you may have and whenever possible make the connection to your role as a mother. For instance, he or she may comment about scheduled meeting times indicating that it is difficult for everyone to work around your daycare provider's closing time, child's doctor's appointment, etc. There is little hope for converting this critic to a supporter of working moms, so you should immediately move into self-preservation mode.
7. Address this individual calmly, and with great professionalism, particularly if he or she is confronting you publicly. Brevity and focus will be very important as you respond, "Pam, while I appreciate and value you as a colleague, I prefer to keep my personal life separate from my career. I don't consider your comments about my personal life appropriate or relevant, so let's get back to work." Unlike the generally well-meaning critic, you never know when your comments to the hostile critic may be used against you. Document all interactions that are potentially contentious with your supervisor.
8. Should you and your supervisor find that the hostile critic persists in their comments, ask your supervisor to address the issue with the critic's supervisor. Provided you are completing your work and are diligent at the jobsite, it is the critic who is out of line. Don't hesitate to protect your interests at the office.
9. Just as with the well-meaning critic, remember that your choice to work is yours alone to make. Your role as a mother is frought with opportunities for self-doubt without external criticism; you certainly don't need anyone else questioning whether or not you've done your best as a parent. Just remember to love your child and give them the very best of you when you are together. Whatever your reasons for working after having children, know that your family benefits from either the financial assistance you provide or from a mother who is fulfilled in all areas of her life.