How to Apologize

No one is perfect; we all make mistakes! An apology acknowledges the mistake and asks for forgiveness. Whether for small oversights or major hurts, sincere apologies make it possible for relationships to continue.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• Sincere desire to repair something wrong that was done

Making the Apology

1. Before deciding the best way to make the apology, think through exactly what the mistake was, the impact on the other person and what you learned from the experience. How will you be different in the future?

2. Consider in what way the other person was hurt and what reparation needs to be made. Was there physical damage or were the other person’s feelings hurt? Are others affected by the mistake? Is this the first time such a thing has happened or is it a repeat?

3. Speak directly to the person you hurt. Find a time when he or she is willing to listen. Explain that you are sorry for what happened and that you understand why he or she is angry/sad/disappointed. Give him or her time to express her feelings. Don’t interrupt! You made the mistake and he or she deserves to tell you the impact. Ask if he or she can forgive you. Be prepared if they can’t.

4. When speaking directly isn’t possible, write a letter. Start by saying you are sincerely sorry and go though the points you developed above. Express what you hope for the outcome of your apology. Offer to speak to the person if he or she would like.

5. When it seems a letter would take too long, write an email. It’s less personal but it’s fast.

6. After you apologize, reflect on what happened. Learn from this mistake. A truly sincere apology can be very liberating; carrying around the regret for having hurt someone weighs down your soul. Sometimes the act of apologizing opens the way for new possibilities that would not have existed otherwise.

Tips & Warnings

• If there was physical damage, reimburse it. If there is a dispute about how much is owed, find a reliable third party whom both people trust and agree to abide by that decision. Then pay.
• If you have hurt someone again and again, realize that he may not be willing to stay in relationship with you. At least you can acknowledge that what you did was wrong. If you are trying to get control over the situation, say so, but only if it’s true.
• If the person is a relative or someone you are close to, a hug is a good way to finish the apology.
• If you don’t feel sincerely sorry, your apology will fall flat. See if there is some part of what happened that you feel really sorry for. The other person may not accept it, but it’s a step in the right direction.
• If you’re the person receiving the apology try to receive it in good faith. You may not trust that the mistake won’t happen again, but acknowledge the effort that was made.

Resources

• Further thoughts about apologizing