How to win in a fight british style

These days, the British are known for Austin Powers, Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Bridget Jones, a slew of Jane Austen novels and movies, David and Victoria Beckham and of course Princess Diana. However, before all of these fabulous people were even thought of, the British were known for doing one thing, kicking butt and taking names. Do you want to know the secret to their success? Read on my friend. You will never lose a fight again if you follow these surefire steps to win a fight, British- style.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

1. Gather all your funds, everything you are willing to spare and offer it to your opponent. The British have famously done so throughout history (America circa 1670). This is a tricky move because every cent offered is three cents gained. Remember that. If necessary, get people to bet on who will win the fight, get one of your friends to bet on you, then split the winnings. After you've won the fight, take your opponent for all he (or she) has and use your winnings to fuel the next fight.
2. Be as cocky as you possibly can. It doesn't matter what you really feel inside, it's the illusion of strength that counts. An attitude of superiority has always served the British Empire well, especially when it launched expeditions to new lands with the purpose of colonization. Think of your opponent as a new land and yourself as the conqueror.
3. Try to think in new ways. What are your opponent's possible weaknesses? What are your strengths? Size him or her up and determine the best plan of attack. Know your fighting style before you begin. It helps if you imagine yourself as a missionary or conqueror trying to bring your opponent to the truth. He or she might need to be roughed up a little before they see the light.
4. Educate yourself on everything about your fighting partner. What names do they hate to be called? Do they have a girl or boyfriend who might not take kindly to the whoopin' they're about to get? Make sure you size up your opponent so that the defeat is swift and sure. Make haste and do this before they even know it's happening.
5. The British have loads of epithets and slang words. Learn them and use them well. You should know the definitions of smarmy, buggary, blasted, arse, barmy, blimey, bloke, cakehole, dodgey, flippin, git and a whole bunch more by heart. You will genuinely piss off your opponent whether or not they know what you're talking about. Say them with feeling and they'll know you're fighting mad and ready to kick some arse.
6. Have the guts to carry out whatever you start. The American Revolution was hard won and there's a reason why. You must believe in yourself and carry forth your plan with gusto. Failure is not an option. You will win or you'll go home and we all know what's waiting for you there--it ain't pretty.

Tips & Warnings

• Make nice, give a verbal attack, then get physical. Remember the order as it's crucial.
• The British employed every one of these strategies during the age of Imperialism. They do work