How to Mend a Family Rift

I truly believe that communication is the backbone of any relationship. Most family rifts are merely a lack of communication and empathy.

Difficulty: Moderately Challenging

Instructions

Things You'll Need:

• All parties involved in the rift
• One neutral mediator
• Family photo's
• Snacks and beverages

1. Decide on a mediator. Select someone that is the most level headed, fair person you know. Set a tentative date for your meeting. Check to see if all participants are available. It is very important to let the folks involved what the meeting is for, and to let them know how important it is to you (and why) to get this resolved. Once the most vital people have agreed to the date, set it in stone.

2. Start planning your event like you would for a family reunion. Have soft drinks, iced tea, or coffee, and some snack foods. Use caution in not serving too much caffiene - look for soothing beverages and snacks. You can meet in a private place, like in someone's home, or in a public place like a park or restaurant. Sometimes crowds deter the level of anger.

3. Send invitations or make calls to confirm that everyone will be attending. Be patient, and understand that you may need to make changes to the date. Some participants may try to back out; make the adjustment and reiterate why this is so important to you. You can even offer a token prize to teh participants for coming. Little Precious Moments dolls, framed pictures of cherubs, or just a sincere Thank You note.

4. Once the date is set, collect pictures of happier times for the folks involved. Jot sown some 'remember when' ideas. You know the people involved beter than I do, so keep them in mind as you plan. Maybe you can welcome each of the participants with a hug, and a warm thanks just for showing up. Tell them again how important this is to you. Think of things that will avoid having them jump to a defensive mode.

5. Have the mediator begin by flipping a coin if necessary to select a side of the argument to hear first. The mediator should take notes of side one. It is important that side two of the argument understands that they too will have their opportunity to share their side, but not during side one's explaination. The mediator must take control and keep order.

6. The mediator should take notes from the flip side of the argument. The mediator's job is to find similarity's in the notes of both sides. The mediator can't take sides in this dispute. His purpose is to lighten the points of the argument, and to keep both party's on the subject witout allowing name calling or other unrelated topics from creeping into the conversation.

7. Once the sides of the argument have been laid out clearly, it will probably be realized by both party's that there was simply a misunderstanding. If in fact that's not the case - ask them if they can see it in their hearts to 'agree to disagree' on this particular topic to benefit the rest of the family. They can even bury the notes for the argument in a time capsule (a can with a top) in the ground. If the calm is kept and your participants are reasonable people this should work.

8. Just for you; Plan ahead for how you will handle the situation if this does not work out the way you'd like it to. Know when this is all said and done that you have done your best to assist in resolving the conflict, but that it is not within your control. Repeat the prayer; "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Tips & Warnings

• If this works out to create a common ground - make a plan to get them together at another event soon.
• Family arguments can be very deep. Don't hold this meeting in a very secluded place, make sure your mediator is capable of maintaining order and have a cell phone handy to call for reinforcments if required.

[TheDon]

on 5/30/2008 This sounds like an excellent method. This is a very well thought out and planned article. Thank you for sharing with us.